Benjamin Otu EffiwattIf you’re being honest with yourself, one of the most confusing and frustrating things is narcissistic behaviour in men—what it really looks like behind closed doors. On one hand, to everyone else, he’s smart, funny, caring, confident, successful…you fill in the blank. But when you get closer—or live day-to-day with him—you start to notice red flags others can’t see.
Your family and friends might think you’re overreacting. Your coworkers probably don’t even know this side of him. It’s frustrating and isolating. But you’re not alone. In this post, I’m going to reveal exactly what narcissistic behaviour looks like behind closed doors and how to spot the red flags.
Understanding Narcissistic Behavior in Men
When I say ‘narcissistic behavior in men’, what exactly do I mean? Am I talking about men diagnosed with a personality disorder? Sure. But I’m also talking about men who regularly display behaviours and tendencies that focus on their own needs with little to no regard for others.
This includes, but isn’t limited to the following:
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Manipulative behaviors
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Entitlement
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Lack of empathy
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Need for control
These are general terms. You might think someone you know fits this description, but he doesn’t act that way all the time.
Here’s the thing: narcissistic behavior in men is often cloaked in charm, caring, and confidence. Many men with narcissistic tendencies are some of the most charming people you’ll ever meet—which makes it hard for others to see what you see.
Men Who Display Narcissistic Behavior in Private
In private, it’s a completely different story. Once you get past the facade, you may experience the following:
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Gaslighting
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Ignorance
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Controlling behaviors
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Passive-aggressiveness
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Criticism
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Egomaniacal attacks
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Feeling undeserving of good things
It’s hard to describe exactly how these behaviors unfold because every relationship is different. But if you’ve been with a man who regularly displays narcissistic behavior behind closed doors, chances are you know it when you see it.
Public Persona vs. Private Cruelty
Here’s a table illustrating how a man may act in public versus private:
| Public | Private |
|---|---|
| He’s charming | He criticizes you—disguised as jokes |
| He appears confident | He withdraws when you need him |
| You think he’s attentive | He manipulates you to get what he wants |
| He wants to spend time with you | He makes you feel your needs don’t matter |
| He acts supportive | He gaslights you into thinking you’re “too sensitive.” |
| He’s always there for you | He insults you if he doesn’t get his way |
Someone who behaves very differently in private than in public is often displaying narcissistic behavior.
Gaslighting Examples
You might ask, “How does he act behind closed doors?” or “What are examples of narcissistic behaviour?”
One of the biggest examples is gaslighting—when he says or does something hurtful, then pretends it never happened or that you’re misinterpreting it.
Examples include:
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Saying something hurtful, then telling you that you “must have misunderstood”.
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Saying one thing to your face and something completely different to someone else
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Making you feel crazy when you try to discuss something that’s bothering you
Gaslighting is insidious. It makes you question yourself and, over time, doubt your own reality.
Controlling and Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Controlling behaviors are extremely common in men with narcissistic tendencies. They may start as small “quirks” you hardly notice until, months or years later, you realize EVERYTHING he did was some level of control.
Ask yourself:
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Does he have to know where you are 24/7?
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Does he get angry when you spend time with friends but not him?
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Does he automatically expect you to do what he wants without asking?
These are all forms of control, even if he’s “nice” about it.
Other examples include:
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Passive-aggressive behaviors instead of direct communication
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Dictating how you spend your time or money
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Expecting you to drop everything for him
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Making you feel guilty for pursuing your own hobbies
Controlling behaviors can start small but grow over time. Often, it’s not obvious aggression—more subtle, passive aggression.
Why He Acts So Nice in Public
Many men who behave differently behind closed doors are often the nicest guys in public.
This is because they’re great actors. In public, he may:
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Tell everyone how amazing you are
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Shower you with compliments in front of others
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Act like your biggest cheerleader
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Try to win you over during arguments
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Do everything possible to show people what a great guy he is
If he’s acting this way publicly, he’s likely telling a very different story to himself about you behind closed doors.
How Narcissistic Behavior Affects Your Day-to-Day Life
Being in a relationship with a man who exhibits narcissistic behaviour takes a toll. Constant stress from his words and actions can affect your mental and emotional well-being.
Examples:
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Walking on eggshells constantly
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Giving and giving, while he rarely reciprocates
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Second-guessing yourself
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Losing friends because he doesn’t “like” them
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Low self-esteem
None of these is normal or acceptable.
Friends and Family Won’t “See It”
This is often the hardest part. You try to show loved ones examples of his behavior, and they just don’t see it.
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“He doesn’t act like that around me.”
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“Don’t be so sensitive.”
It’s frustrating because the person they see is nothing like the man you know behind closed doors. Trust yourself—the signs are real.
Behaviors Only a Partner Would See
Some examples of narcissistic behaviours that most friends, family, and coworkers would NOT notice:
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Belittling you, disguised as “jokes”.
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Ignoring your feelings
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Refusing to apologize
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Making everything about him
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Gaslighting when you try to communicate
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Disrespecting your feelings, struggles, or accomplishments
If you see many of these behaviors , he likely exhibits narcissism behind closed doors.
The Roots of Narcissism
Many men who behave this way are actually insecure.
Their entitlement or dismissiveness often comes from fear:
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Fear you’ll leave
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Fear you don’t love them
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Fear of failing as a partner or provider
Ignorance stems from fear, and fear stems from insecurity. It’s not an excuse for their behaviour, but understanding this can help you avoid taking it personally.
Setting Boundaries with Narcissistic Men
The best response is to set firm boundaries. That may mean ending the relationship if he won’t respect you.
How you enforce boundaries will vary:
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Walk away
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Step back and reassess
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If you’re married, promise yourself you won’t accept the behavior anymore
You know your situation best. But remember: you don’t deserve narcissistic behaviour behind closed doors.
Conclusion
Just because narcissistic behavior in men is common doesn’t mean you have to accept it. It’s hard when he’s charming in public, but once you recognize the pattern—narcissism—it becomes easier to love yourself enough to walk away.
You are worthy of love, kindness, and support—whether he is or not.
Please never let his behavior change that belief.
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