Benjamin Otu EffiwattThere’s something extra confusing about being the other woman — but when it’s a situationship where you think you’re something real and you slowly come to the realization that you may just be the sneaky link.
You know the type. The person you can’t quite get a read on. The one who makes you wonder why they never introduce you to their friends, why your calls and texts only get replies after midnight, and why your entire “relationship” exists behind closed doors.
I know that feeling. I want to break down the signs for you so that you can know for sure if you’re important enough to be seen with, or if you’re secretly being kept hidden.
You’re Worth Someone Who Wants Everyone To Know You Two Are Together
I’m going to cut right to the chase: there is nothing wrong with being casual with someone as long as both parties know and agree to that.
The problem begins when one person thinks they’re building something while the other is perfectly okay with keeping it a secret. And that, my friends, is where we run into some issues.
If you think you might be the sneaky link, here are some signs to look out for.
Why Someone Avoids Making You A Public Thing
Keep in mind that there are many different reasons why someone may choose to keep you a secret. Sometimes they are in a relationship with someone else and you’re the side piece. Sometimes they just like your company but aren’t interested in anything serious, so they feel like introducing you to everyone would lead you on. Sometimes they really like you but are emotionally unavailable for whatever reason, and keeping their distance feels safe.
Regardless of their reasoning for keeping you on the down-low, none of these scenarios are an excuse for not telling you where you stand. I’m not saying they have to share their life story with you on the first date. But understanding why they may be avoiding showing you off to the world can help you process what’s going on and decide what you want to do about it.
Let’s dive into some signs that make it clear you’re the sneaky link.
8 Major Signs You’re The Side Chick
I don’t want to mislead you and pretend like being the sneaky link always feels detrimental. Sometimes it can feel really exciting in the moment — late-night chemistry, constant texting, feeling like you have this special thing because no one knows about you two. It can be intoxicating and misleading.
Here are a few signs that make it clear you might be the sneaky link.
1. You Only Hear From Them After Midnight
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with late-night calls and bedtime chats. My significant other and I talk all the time after we both get home from work. We are on each other’s phones before we fall asleep half the time.
The issue isn’t having phone calls at night — it’s when nighttime is the only time you ever hear from them.
When someone only texts you late, even if they say all the right things, they are setting you up to believe you’re their priority when you’re really their midnight priority. People who want you in their life make time for you during regular hours, not just when the clock strikes 12.
2. They Never Introduced You To Any Of Their Friends
Okay, be real with yourself. When was the last time you saw them and were around one of their friends? A sibling? A coworker?
If you can’t remember the last time you saw one of their acquaintances, it’s because they’ve made it incredibly easy for you to go months without ever seeing one. If you’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks or even months and they still haven’t mentioned any friends or family or introduced you to anyone, that is not an accident.
We all introduce people we like and want to continue seeing into our lives. They just haven’t introduced you into theirs, which means they are intentionally keeping you out.
3. Your Hangouts Always Take Place At One Of Your Places
Are all of your outings at their house or your house? Sure, nights in can be fun, but if you’ve never actually been out together as if you’re an actual couple, it should raise a red flag.
It’s okay if they don’t want to go out constantly. But if you’ve only hung out at one or both of your places and never actually “dated” like normal people do, they may be intentionally avoiding being seen with you.
4. They Are Super Vague When You Ask About “What You Are”
You know the drill. Every time you try to get them to answer the dreaded question about “what are we,” they somehow manage to talk about anything except that.
Do you know what this relationship is? Can you honestly say that you’ve had a real conversation about it?
When someone cares about you, they aren’t afraid to label you. That ambiguity they thrive on is a tool they use to keep you right where they want you emotionally — close enough to keep you thinking something will happen, but not enough that you can actually call what you have “dating.”
5. They Are Peculiar About Their Phone
Do they turn their phone away from you when you’re around? Do they step out of the room to take calls or leave you hanging when you’re on FaceTime? Does their phone always face down on the table in front of you?
If so, I can almost guarantee there is something they don’t want you to see. I get it — everyone deserves privacy if they want it. I don’t text my significant other every second I’m away from them, and I definitely don’t need them knowing my phone password.
But if someone is secure in what they have with you, they won’t be weird about their phone.
6. You Don’t Exist On Their Social Media
We live in a world of Instagram stories, food photos with friends, and casual check-ins. If you spend any legitimate amount of time with someone, you should at least show up on their Instagram story at some point.
I’m not saying every relationship has to be posted all over social media. But if they are posting selfies, quotes, their food, their dog, their nights out with friends — and you’re never mentioned or shown — that is a sign worth paying attention to.
You don’t have to be all over their social media, but you should definitely not be completely invisible.
7. Plans Are Always Last Minute And Always Based Around Their Schedule
Do they ever reach out to you more than 24 hours in advance to make plans? Do you ever suggest something and they agree?
If someone only contacts you when it works for them, if you have to drop everything to make yourself available, and if you never actually plan anything together because they are “always busy,” then your role in this situation is as a convenience, not a partner.
Relationships only work one way like that. And it’s not your way.
8. They Get Uncomfortable Whenever You Mention The Future
They might not even notice your birthday coming up. But somehow, when you mention wanting to check out that new restaurant when it opens next month, they suddenly remember their cousin is getting married around that time.
The moment you mention anything beyond that day, people who are keeping you as the sneaky link tend to panic. Why? Because they are only thinking about you in a very small time frame. You are not their future — you are their thing to do after work on a Thursday.
Conclusion
When you’re the sneaky link, you put a lot of pressure on yourself to make something work that was never intended to work. You analyze every conversation and overthink every detail. You shrink yourself smaller and smaller because being invisible hurts less than having your shot at something real questioned by the person hiding you from everyone else.
If you made it this far, you probably know where you stand. I want you to remember that none of these signs alone mean something is wrong with you. It means you got involved with someone who wasn’t ready to meet you where you needed to be met.
There is someone out there who is going to do everything in their power to show you off and never want to keep you a secret. Keep holding out for them. You deserve that person just as much as you deserve to stop wondering where you stand.
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