Benjamin Otu EffiwattOk, let’s get one thing straight: the talking stage can be amazing. But it can also really suck.
We’re talking about that weird interim between you and a potential boo where you’re not friends, but not officially together. Every time you don’t reply to their text, you think they hate you. Every time they don’t text you back, you slowly start to feel like maybe they do hate you.
I’ve been through it too many times to count, and I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how easy it is to walk away from the talking stage feeling utterly confused, drained, or even legitimately heartbroken over someone who was never even technically your boyfriend or girlfriend.
What is the talking stage, anyway?
Before we begin, let’s clear something up: what is the talking stage?
Well, the talking stage is basically the period between when you meet someone and when you decide you’re officially a thing. You’ll text back and forth frequently, you might even go on some dates, and you’re both basically getting to know each other’s personalities to see if it clicks.
Sounds simple enough, right?
Well, while it’s definitely one of the most exciting parts of a potential new relationship, it’s also one of the most emotionally taxing.
Because here’s the thing about the talking stage — there are no rules. No labels. You’re basically both just getting to know each other with very little committed investment on either part.
How could that not suck?
Why The Talking Stage Often Ends In Tears (Emotional Ones)
There are a couple of reasons people tend to get hurt during the talking stage.
One of the biggest issues is misaligned expectations.
Both of you might have different ideas about where you’re going, and nobody’s asking the hard questions.
You might be all in — responding to texts right away, clearing your schedule to give them your time, and mentally updating your relationship status to “they’re the one.”
They might be talking to three other people at the same time and thinking absolutely nothing of it.
Again, there’s not necessarily a right or wrong person here. But where there is hurt is in the disconnect.
Another huge part of getting your heart smashed during the talking stage is that you open yourself up to getting emotionally invested when there’s no emotional safety net to catch you.
When you start liking someone, your brain goes wild. It analyzes every single thing they say to you. It plays back conversations over and over looking for hidden meaning. You start to develop deeper feelings when really, you have nothing.
You haven’t even dated yet.
But you like them. You see potential. So you throw yourself into this ambiguous mess called the talking stage and you tend to get hurt.
I used to think this was my problem — that I was too sensitive, too eager, too ready to attach myself to someone. But feeling things isn’t the issue. Investing when you’re not asked to invest is.
Set Your Standards Before You Get Attached
Trust me, I wish someone had told me this before I learned it the hard way. Know what you want before you get too far into a conversation with someone.
Not after the three-week mark when you’re already daydreaming about their smile every time they send a meme your way. Before.
What are you looking for? Are you wanting something casual? Do you need exclusivity before you even enter the “official” category? How important is it to you that the other person matches your level of communication?
These are all things you should know about yourself going into a conversation with someone new so that you don’t just go along with whatever their standard is.
When you allow other people to set the relationship pace for you, you end up matching their energy even if it doesn’t fit your needs. Soon you’re convincing yourself that it’s fine they don’t text very much, it’s fine they only want to talk on weekends, it’s fine that they don’t have deep conversations with you.
If you know yourself and your relationship standards ahead of time, you’ll have a much easier time standing firm in your own needs because you won’t talk yourself out of your gut feelings.
Show Up. As Yourself.
Ugh, how exhausting it is to feel like you have to perform for people when you’re in the talking stage.
You answer their texts just quickly enough that you don’t seem desperate but not so quickly that you seem obsessed. You watch every word that comes out of your mouth to appear witty and interesting enough to keep them texting you back.
But at what cost?
When you do this, you’re no longer showing up as your authentic self — you’re showing up as the version of yourself you think they want to see. Odds are they might like this version. But what happens when you actually start dating?
Will they like the real you? The you that shows up with a sarcastic, dry sense of humor, the one with real thoughts and opinions about everything that matters to you?
Showing up as your authentic self does two things. First, it weeds out anyone who wasn’t actually into the real you. Second, it lets you build connections with people on a genuine level. No pretending.
If someone you’re talking to can’t appreciate the real you from the jump, great! You just saved yourself months of wondering and grey areas.
Pay Attention to How Consistent They Are
Ah, chemistry. It feels great. But do you know what isn’t great?
Waiting around for months to see if something develops just because you two have great chemistry.
Trust me, I’m as big a fan of chemistry as the next gal. But chemistry won’t call you when they say they will. Chemistry won’t text you to check in even when they’re busy. Chemistry doesn’t matter if they aren’t willing to show you the same level of attention you’re showing them.
Chemistry is exciting, but don’t let it be your only deciding factor.
Ask the Tough Questions Early On
This is a big one for me.
Nobody wants to be that person who asks “where is this going?” when you’ve officially just been on two dates. Trust me, I get it.
But hear me out. By having that honest conversation about what you’re both looking for early on, you can save yourself so much heartache and frustration in the long run.
You don’t have to give them an ultimatum of “we need to know if we’re a thing or not.” You can simply say something as easy as “Hey, I know we just started talking, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I’m looking for something real — what about you?”
If they freeze up, get weird, or refuse to answer, that’s your answer. Someone who likes you will not feel attacked by you knowing what you want.
They may not know how to give you a clear answer right away, but at least they know you need one.
Communicate Without Fear of Losing Them
The best part about learning how to talk to someone without getting hurt? You don’t have to waste your time avoiding certain conversations because you’re worried they’ll run for the hills.
Ask them questions you have about who they are, what they want, and their history. If they get defensive about anything you ask, that’s a red flag. A genuine person will be able to answer your questions or tell you they’d rather not discuss a subject without playing games with you.
You deserve the confidence of knowing that if someone can’t accept that you want to get to know them fully, they probably aren’t meant to stay.
Enjoy Your Life
Okay, this one is tricky because the talking stage has a sneaky way of making you spend more and more time thinking about this new person until your days revolve around whether or not they text you back.
Don’t do it!
While you’re waiting to see if someone you’re talking to wants to be exclusive with you, do not allow them to take up space in your life that they haven’t earned.
Make sure you’re still spending just as much time with your friends. Keep crushing your goals. Prioritize your hobbies. Live your life!
When you remain focused on your own life, you also avoid falling down the rabbit hole when things don’t go as planned with this new person.
You’ve got your own world. You’re not waiting by the phone wondering if they’ll suddenly text you out of nowhere.
Balance Your Hope with Realism
Here’s the thing about hope — it’s good. Being hopeful that something could work out with this person is great!
But don’t feel guilty for hoping they feel the same way while also acknowledging that things may not work out.
At the end of the day, there is so much power in knowing that you’re great on your own and this person is just a bonus.
If things work out, that’s wonderful! But if they don’t, you’ll realize pretty quickly that you don’t need anyone to validate your existence or make your life complete.
When you know your worth and what you bring to the table, you won’t waste your time driving yourself crazy wondering what could be.
Walk Away When You Need To
Speaking of knowing your worth, sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is recognize that you and this person are just not on the same page and that the talking stage needs to end.
No potential relationship is worth preserving if it leaves you feeling more confused, hurt, and questioning your self-worth than it does happy.
If you find yourself shrinking to keep their attention, questioning yourself after spending time together, or constantly wondering where you stand, please walk away.
You are under no obligation to pursue someone who makes you feel insecure about who you are.
Conclusion
Navigating the talking stage doesn’t have to hurt if you know how to protect yourself.
Sure, there’s always going to be some risk when you put yourself out there for someone new. But you can absolutely be warm and inviting without giving away more than you’re receiving.
You can show up as your full, beautiful self without being fearful that you’ll get ghosted because of it.
The you that knows what she wants, asks the tough questions, and has enough respect for herself to walk away when things don’t feel right is the you that will find someone worth sticking around for.mKeep these tips in mind the next time you find yourself in the talking stage and want to come out unscathed, and you’ll learn how to talk to someone without getting hurt every single time.
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