Benjamin Otu EffiwattDating should feel safe and nurturing for everyone involved. It should be a place where you can let your hair down and relax while your partner does the same.Dating a narcissist couldn’t be further from that experience. Memories that should be happy become tainted with hurt, and you start to feel mentally exhausted.
Narcissists are experts at hiding behind charm. Most of these games feel innocent at first, but when they happen repeatedly, they slowly chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you feeling small, criticized, and as though you constantly have to “earn” their affection.
That being said, we don’t want to blame anyone if these behaviors sound familiar. Let’s review these games in a nonjudgmental way.
Games Narcissists Play in Romantic Relationships
1. Love Bombing
Think back to when you first started dating.
How they couldn’t stop thinking about you.
Texted you all day.
Made big plans.
Made you feel like you were all they could think about.
That’s love bombing.
It’s common for narcissists to play this game in the early stages of a relationship to reel you in emotionally.
But they can’t maintain that level of affection. Once you fall for them, the games begin.
2. Gaslighting
Gaslighting means “to manipulate someone into questioning their own memory, perception, or sanity.”
Sound familiar?
If you’ve ever dated a narcissist, they probably loved gaslighting you:
“That never happened.”
“You would never let me forget that.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“At least listen to me.”
The point is to make you question what you think and feel.
Eventually, you begin to depend on them to tell you what is “true.”
3. Silent Treatment
Do you ever get blown off by your partner?
Do they ignore your texts, refuse to make eye contact when you’re talking, or pretend you’re not even in the room?
Cute. Not.
Also known as the silent treatment, this tactic allows your partner to “punish” you without uttering a word.
And it works. You become anxious and start apologizing for things that don’t even make sense just to hear their voice again.
4. Triangulation
Triangles have three points. When your partner triangulates, they bring someone else into the relationship to make you feel jealous or compete for their attention.
Examples include:
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Talking about their ex constantly
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Comparing you to someone else
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Flirting right in front of you
Sounds awful, right? It forces you to question every word they say and analyze what you supposedly did wrong.
Instead of focusing on how childish their behavior is, you shift all your energy toward figuring out how to please them.
5. Blame Shifting
If there’s a problem in the relationship, they’re never at fault.
They yelled? You must have “pushed their buttons.”
They cheated? You weren’t “meeting their needs.”
They shift the blame so they never have to be wrong.
Even worse, you start blaming yourself.
6. Playing the Victim
If your narcissistic partner hurts you, they may play the victim so you feel bad for them.
Being emotional does not give your partner an excuse to treat you poorly.
7. Moving the Goalposts
Even if you do everything for them, you’re still “not enough.”
You clean the house? What about the dishes?
You take them on a date? You didn’t buy enough gifts.
You can do everything “right” in their eyes and still feel wrong.
This creates a terrible pattern of constantly questioning your self-worth.
8. Intermittent Reinforcement
Similar to love bombing, they flirt with you and show tons of interest one day, then shut you out the next.
It leaves you confused about what you did wrong.
“You seem distant. Are you mad at me?”
“This isn’t fun for you anymore, is it?”
By giving you small bits of attention, they condition you to work harder for their love.
Creepy, right?
9. Projection
Projection is accusing you of the very thing they’re guilty of.
You’re disgusting when they cheated.
You never listen when they ignore you.
They attack you because they’re insecure about something.
It puts you on the defensive and shifts the focus away from their behavior.
10. Minimizing Your Feelings
When you tell your partner how you feel, they may belittle you if it’s something they don’t want to deal with.
“You’re overreacting.” — After they cheated.
“It was a little white lie.” — After they lied.
“You never let me do ANYTHING.” — After you asked them to stop shouting.
Insensitive people diminish your feelings when it doesn’t benefit them. The more they do this, the less you open up.
11. Future Faking
Future faking means promising marriage, travel, kids, and shared goals but never acting on them.
They’ll talk about your future together for months, then change the subject when it’s time to take real steps forward.
It gives them someone to anchor to emotionally while keeping you waiting.
12. Financial Control
Your partner may become angry when you spend money, accuse you of buying “stupid” things, or try to stop you from working.
If your partner uses money as a control tactic, that’s a serious red flag.
Love and money should not be tools for manipulation, but they often blur together in narcissistic relationships.
If you need their permission to pay your own bills, that is manipulation.
13. Public vs. Private
They hold your hand in public but scream at you for no reason when you’re alone.
Everyone may tell you how amazing your partner is, but behind closed doors, you see a completely different side.
They pick you apart while everyone else believes they’re perfect.
This can make you question whether anyone would believe you if you reached out for help.
People tend to believe the person they hear from most often. If your partner is the only one validating their version of events, you may struggle to be heard.
14. Discard and Hoover
Discarding means they suddenly dump you, often without explanation.
You may have had a fight, forgotten their birthday, or confronted them about their behavior.
Instead of discussing it, they ghost you for weeks or even months.
Then suddenly, their text reads, “Hey baby, I missed you.”
“I should’ve known you’d come running back to me.”
Sound familiar?
Hoovering means they reach back out to see if you’ll take them back.
If you do, welcome to repeating Parts 1–14 all over again.
Why Do Narcissists Play Games?
There is no excuse for manipulative behavior. However, everyone has reasons for their actions.
Understanding why they behave this way can help you navigate the chaos.
Narcissists hate feeling weak or vulnerable, so they play mind games to:
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Maintain control
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Protect their ego
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Avoid vulnerability
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Secure praise and admiration
We all want validation from our partners. The difference is that narcissists seek it at your expense.
How Do These Games Make You Feel?
Awful. And that’s often the point.
Anxious. Depressed. Inadequate.
Many people in relationships with narcissists say they lose their sense of identity.
Their partner occupies so much space in their mind that they forget what they like. They become insecure and emotionally dependent.
The Hardest Part to Accept…
That someone you loved would play games with your emotions.
But that’s what they do. Narcissists often target people with big hearts because empathy makes manipulation easier.
The moment you recognize their tactics, they start losing control over you.
How to Spot and Avoid Mind Games
By defining each behavior, you can better recognize these toxic tactics. If you ever find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, remember these tips:
1. Document What’s Happening
Every time they try to distort your reality, write it down.
Save texts. Journal how you feel after spending time with them. Keep records of important conversations (if you record conversations, make sure to follow your state’s laws and inform them).
When they try to deny things later, you’ll have clarity.
2. Set Boundaries
A narcissist may hate it when you set boundaries and try to make you feel guilty for doing so.
Setting boundaries looks like:
“I will not continue this conversation if you scream at me.”
“I don’t appreciate you talking to me that way.”
State clearly what you will and won’t tolerate.
3. Reach Out to Friends and Family
Isolation is one way they maintain control.
If you don’t talk to anyone about what’s happening, you may start believing the lies.
Reaching out to friends and family can help you feel grounded again.
4. Seek Counseling
A professional can help you rebuild confidence, recognize manipulation, and figure out what’s best for you.
Sometimes we all need an objective person to point out the red flags.
5. Don’t Judge Someone by Their Words
We all want to believe someone when they say they’ve changed.
But actions speak louder than words.
They can apologize endlessly, but if the behavior continues, the apology means nothing.
Can Narcissists Change?
Yes, change is possible.
But do you want to wait around hoping it will happen?
Every time they hurt you, trust erodes a little more.
As difficult as it may be to let go, walking away is often healthier than staying and hoping they’ll change.
Time to Build Yourself Back Up
Erosion is when water slowly strips land away over time.
Narcissistic abuse does the same thing to your sense of self.
You gradually lose pieces of who you are until you don’t recognize yourself anymore.
If you can spot these games early, you can protect yourself from falling deeper into the cycle.
Conclusion
Your relationship should never feel like a competition over who “says” the most.
You should never question your partner’s words or feel guilty for speaking up when they hurt you.
It hurts when someone you love makes you feel insignificant. But you are not alone. Millions of people have experienced the same confusion and heartbreak.
Awareness is your superpower. Now go reclaim your peace.
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