Benjamin Otu EffiwattWhen I started noticing that things weren’t right between my husband and me, I refused to accept it. I kept reassuring myself that we were just in a bad spot. We all go through difficult seasons in marriage, and I was determined to get us through ours. Deep down, though, I knew better. It took me a long time to admit it to myself, but I suspected my husband wanted a divorce.
If you’re reading this article, I know that feeling too. Something has told you that your marriage might be headed for trouble, even though your husband hasn’t said anything yet. Some signs my husband wants a divorce were glaringly obvious in my house.
Why Men Pull Away Before They Want a Divorce
Before we jump into the specifics, let’s talk about why men tend to shut down emotionally long before they ever file papers or have the divorce conversation.
In most cases, if a husband wants out of the marriage, he’s likely been checked out emotionally for months, if not years. Chances are he didn’t snap one day and decide to stop loving you. He likely built a wall between you two gradually, so you can’t always identify when things started to change.
Many men deal with their emotions internally rather than discussing things with their spouse. Instead of talking about issues, many husbands retreat. They pull back emotionally. They silently create distance between themselves and their wives.
10 Signs My Husband Wants a Divorce (& What to Do About Them)
If you’ve ever wondered what some signs are that your husband wants a divorce but doesn’t want to talk about it, here they are:
1.He Stopped Communicating
This was one of the biggest signs my husband wants a divorce that jumped out at me. My husband and I used to talk about everything. Our day, our plans for the weekend, silly thoughts that popped into our heads, jokes we saw. Then one day we stopped having those types of conversations.
Our communication became transactional. Who was picking up the kids? When would dinner be ready? Did you pay that bill?
If your husband no longer confides in you or shares details of his day, he’s created an emotional wall between you. And that wall won’t come down until he decides he wants to start working on your marriage again.
2.He Shows Little to No Affection
Affection goes hand-in-hand with communication. The more distant your husband becomes, the less affection he will show you.
I didn’t notice until later how much my husband had stopped showing affection toward me. The small things. Sitting next to me on the couch. Quick kisses before leaving for work. Putting his hand on my shoulder.
I took those things for granted until they stopped happening. And then I realized it. Good husbands show their wives affection. If you can’t remember the last time your husband gave you a genuine hug or told you something kind, take notice.
3.He Picks Fights Over Everything
I wasn’t expecting this to be on the list. I thought if my husband wanted a divorce, he’d pull away from me. But the exact opposite happened.
My husband began picking fights over every little thing. He would somehow find something to be annoyed about during the simplest tasks, like washing dishes or folding laundry.
Why did he do this? My guess is that picking constant fights is another way of pushing a wife away emotionally. He was trying to foster resentment between us so that eventually, it would make sense to him that we should divorce.
The fights don’t make any sense, which is why they’re so frustrating. He’s not actually mad about those things. Something else is bothering him, and he hasn’t quite worked up the courage to say it out loud yet.
4.He Has Become Secretive
Okay, this tip could also fall under communication problems. My husband became secretive about his phone, what he was doing after work, and where he was spending money.
He started making plans without telling me or consulting me first. He even grew defensive when I would ask him simple questions about his day.
If your husband has suddenly become secretive, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating on you, though that could be the case too. It just might mean that he’s divorcing you in his mind.
He’s checking out emotionally, and he’s already mentally begun planning for a life that doesn’t include you.
5.He No Longer Includes You in Future Plans
My husband and I used to make all sorts of fun plans for the future. Vacations we would take, remodels we wanted to do to the house, things we’d do when our kids were older. When I finally realized we weren’t having those conversations anymore, it broke my heart.
If he makes no attempt to plan for the future with you, even if it’s next month or next year, then he probably doesn’t see you factoring into his life going forward.
Pay attention to the things he says. Does he still say “we” when talking about the future, or has that subtly changed to “I”?
6.He Seems Happier Away From Home
This happened with my husband too. When he wasn’t home, he was a totally different person. He came home from work happier and more energetic, almost jokingly referring to himself as his “work husband.”
Home should be where both of you can kick back and relax. But if your husband only seems happy when he’s not around, that’s a problem.
Sometimes when a man knows he’s unhappy in the marriage, he throws himself into work or hobbies as a way to cope. If he makes excuses not to be home anymore, listen to those excuses.
7.He Has Stopped Trying to Fix Problems
All marriages go through ups and downs, but healthy couples know how to work through conflict. If your husband is showing signs that he wants a divorce, he will stop trying to resolve arguments or issues.
No more counseling suggestions. No more “let’s talk about this” conversations. He no longer tries to meet you halfway or compromise.
Your husband has made the decision that he’s done giving effort to your marriage. When he gets upset about something, he no longer tries to make it better.
8.He Brings Up Divorce Casually
I hate to say this because it’s so obvious, but if your husband mentions divorce in any capacity — even jokingly — pay attention.
My husband would say things like “fine, we can get divorced” in the middle of arguments. I didn’t pay it much mind at first because he wouldn’t actually ever bring up divorce outside of yelling.
But then he did. He would ask me hypothetical questions about what our lives would look like if we separated. He wanted to know how I’d react.
Men often “throw it out there” to see how you’ll respond. He’s fishing for a reaction, so pay attention to how you act and what you say.
9.He Has Become Emotionally Cold
Have you noticed that your husband doesn’t seem to care about the little things that used to bother him? Or that when you’re upset, he doesn’t react?
My husband became cold. He no longer showed empathy or any sort of emotion toward me. If I was angry, he shrugged it off. If I was happy, he gave me a half-hearted smile and got back to doing what he was doing.
This type of emotional distancing is even worse than just being plain old mad at your partner. It means that your husband has checked out of the marriage on an emotional level.
10.Your Gut Is Telling You Something Is Wrong
You know that gut feeling you get when something just isn’t right? When you can logically tell yourself that everything is fine, but you feel like you’re screaming inside?
I know that feeling too. I ignored it for way too long because I didn’t want to face the truth.
If you feel like something is off in your marriage but your husband says everything is fine, listen to yourself.
You’re Lonely in Your Marriage With a Stranger
I know it hurts to admit that your spouse may not want to be married to you anymore. I had to sit with that painful realization for months before I could accept it.
What To Do If You Notice Signs Your Husband Wants a Divorce
So your spouse is giving you signs he won’t talk about. Now what?
Start by understanding that just because you see these signs in your husband, it doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. In fact, knowing what’s going on between you and your spouse allows you to make informed decisions about what you want to do next.
Here are some options to consider if you think your husband wants a divorce:
- Talk to him about it. As scary as it sounds, having an honest conversation about where you both see the marriage going can help open the lines of communication.
- Ask him to go to counseling. A trained therapist can help you both communicate what you’re feeling and determine if there’s any chance of reconciliation.
- Focus on yourself. While it’s important to pay attention to his actions, you should also assess your own feelings. What do you want? What do you need? What are your boundaries?
If you believe that divorce is coming, seek support. Reach out to a therapist or friends. Educate yourself on finances, legal options, and your rights. Knowledge is power, and being informed is half the battle.
If you choose to stay and fight for your marriage, learn more about ways to improve your marriage.
FAQs
Can my marriage be saved if my husband wants a divorce?
Yes! The marriage can be salvaged if your husband is willing to work on things. However, both parties need to put in the work. If he’s willing to go to counseling and communicate, there is hope for your marriage.
Should I confront my husband about wanting a divorce?
A direct confrontation is likely to end poorly. However, a calm conversation about how you feel is a good start. Find a quiet moment when you’re both free of distractions, and tell him you’re concerned about the marriage and would like to discuss it.
Is my husband distancing himself from me because he wants a divorce?
Emotional distance can mean many things. Often, husbands grow distant because they’re dealing with depression, burnout, or outside stress. However, if his distance is combined with several other things on this list, take it seriously.
About how long does it take until he asks for a divorce?
Every relationship is different. Some husbands may bring it up right away. Others wait years before filing the actual papers.
If your husband has stopped trying to make your marriage work, that’s a clear sign he no longer wants to be married to you.
Final Thoughts
Discovering signs that your husband wants a divorce was heartbreaking for me. Part of me wants to pretend like I don’t know these things about my own husband. But ignoring the signs won’t change them. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know whether your husband is trying to hide something.
Knowledge is power, amiga. Whether things work out with your spouse or not, at least you’ll know what’s really going on. YOU DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH.
You also deserve the opportunity to fight for your marriage if that’s what you want. Don’t let your husband pressure you into divorce without knowing every option available to you. You’re going to get through this, whatever happens. You’re stronger than you realize.
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