Benjamin Otu EffiwattWhat It Means To Be In A Relationship
If you had asked me what it means to be in a relationship a few years ago, I probably would have given you the answer that requires the least amount of thought. Someone to go on dates with, someone who calls you their partner, someone who makes you feel less lonely. And honestly? I wasn’t entirely wrong. But I also wasn’t even close to being right.
Being in a relationship with someone is so much more than that. It’s deeper than the title, deeper than what you post on Instagram. It’s a daily practice of showing up and choosing each other again and again. It’s inviting someone into your life to be your biggest fan, your champion, and your support — but also being those things for them.
Relationships Start By Choosing Each Other — Every Day
The first thing I had to unlearn when it came to relationships was that love is enough to keep two people together. Sure, love is necessary. But if you’re looking for something long-term, it is not enough.
Real life doesn’t work that way. In real life, you have to choose each other every day. What does that mean? It means you choose to have the hard conversation instead of going to sleep angry. You choose to show up for them even when you’re tired, even when your day was worse than theirs. You choose them over deciding you just can’t right now.
You have to actually want to be there. For the good, the bad, and the ugly. You have to be able to look at the person you fell in love with and choose them even when they disappoint you. When they push all of your buttons. When they hurt your feelings. When you want to run far away from the problem.
Because being in a relationship means showing up no matter what, and you have to want to do that.
Communication
Repeat after me: every argument you’ve ever had in a relationship could have been solved with communication. Sure, there are some you throw away because they’re not worth your time. But the rest? If you sat down and actually talked about your issues without yelling or trying to one-up each other, you could have solved them.
Communication is not a skill you can turn on when things get hard. It’s a daily practice of checking in with each other, talking through issues before they become giant mountains, and knowing when to just zip your lips.
You have to know how to speak up when you need something. Your partner should never have to guess what’s going on in your head. But you also need to know how to listen. To sit quietly and let them speak without judgment or formulating your comeback the entire time.
It isn’t easy, and believe me, I struggle with this every day. But if you can learn to communicate with your partner, you’ll solve 99% of your problems.
Know the Difference Between Compromise and Losing Yourself
You should never lose yourself to someone else — ever. I promise you that anyone who says you have to will sell you short in ways you don’t realize until much later.
Compromise is healthy. Disappearing into your partner is not. Know the difference.
Real compromise means you both come away winning something. Sure, you might have to meet them halfway sometimes. But you should never feel like you have to sacrifice your goals, dreams, or boundaries to keep your partner happy.
Learn to recognize when you’re truly compromising versus when you’re slowly disappearing into your relationship. It’ll save you heartache later.
Arguments Don’t Have to Kill the Mood
Fun fact about relationships: no one gets along 100% of the time. If you argue with your partner once every two weeks, you’re lucky. You’re truly, incredibly lucky.
Some people are afraid to argue with their partners, which actually just pushes small problems onto a bigger pile until you have the largest argument you’ve ever had. And trust me, fighting with your SO is never cute.
Arguments are normal, and they’re healthy when you know how to handle them correctly. Learn the difference between arguing and fighting and never look back.
Trust Isn’t Deposited, It’s Earned
Show up consistently and trust will follow. I cannot stress this one enough. When was the last time you said something to your partner and they held you accountable to it?
Relationships are delicate, but they’re also simple. Give your partner every reason to trust you, and they’ll do the same. Want your partner to show up for you when you need them? You better be damn sure you’re showing up for them.
Remember how I said trust is won in the small moments? This is exactly what I meant.
You Can’t Love Someone From Empty
I used to be strange about things like my partner spending time apart from me or having their own hobbies. I thought dating someone meant we did everything together, all the time.
Then I learned you cannot pour from an empty cup. If you’re not carefully managing your physical and mental health, your relationship will suffer.
Make time for yourself. Take care of yourself. You’re allowed to have hobbies, passions, and wants outside of your relationship. In fact, they’ll make you a better partner because of it.
Intimacy Isn’t Physical (Although That Helps Too)
Sex is great. “Great” doesn’t begin to cover how important a healthy sex life is in a relationship. But being intimate with your partner goes deeper than physicality.
Take the time to really understand your partner and allow them to do the same. Know their likes, their dislikes, and the things they wouldn’t tell anyone else. Learn what makes them tick, what lights their fire, and what they value most in life.
The more you know, the closer you’ll get. Being able to be completely bare and vulnerable with someone is what leaves your relationship stronger than the rest.
Partners Should Make Each Other Better
When you first get into a relationship with someone, you’re excited. You talk about the future, your dreams, all while painting this beautiful picture of where you can go together.
But life happens. People get comfortable and, slowly but surely, you fall into a routine. You do your thing and let them do theirs without ever challenging each other to be better.
Take each other seriously enough that you want the best for them, even if that means pushing your partner when they don’t want to be pushed.
Growing with your partner is one of the most rewarding feelings you’ll ever experience.
Conclusion
Relationships aren’t always easy. But they are so worth it when you find the right person.
At the end of the day, being in a relationship comes down to simply showing up. Showing up and loving your partner through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Asking the hard questions and having tough conversations when they need to be had. Supporting your partner in every way you can.
It’s a constant practice of remembering why you fell in love in the first place. Remembering you chose each other — and you’re going to choose each other again tomorrow.
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