Benjamin Otu EffiwattIf you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve likely spent hours trying to find answers. You replay conversations over and over in your head, trying to figure out why things happened. You might have wanted an apology, an explanation, or closure from a narcissist because you just wanted peace. That makes sense. We all want answers. We want stories with defined endings and some sort of resolution. We want the pain we experienced to matter so that we can move on.
But here’s the thing—you don’t need closure from a narcissist in order to heal. In fact, when you continue to seek it, you’re only keeping yourself stuck in the emotional pattern that originally harmed you. And the keyword there—why you don’t need closure from a narcissist—is everything.
Why You Crave Closure (And Why It Makes Sense)
First off, wanting closure is completely normal. Anytime a relationship ends—especially one filled with highs and terrible lows—it’s only natural for your mind to want to understand what happened.
You want to know why it happened and how to avoid it in the future. That’s why your brain asks questions like:
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Did I do something wrong?
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Was it my fault?
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Could I have handled things differently?
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Why did they say or do those things to me?
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Did I ever matter to them?
Those are all normal questions. The problem is, they rarely lead anywhere with a narcissist.
Why?
Because narcissistic behavior is all about self-protection. Accepting fault, showing empathy, or acknowledging that they harmed someone doesn’t feel good to a narcissist. So instead of providing you with closure, what they typically offer is more excuses, blame, and manipulation.
That’s why wanting answers from a narcissist can become a slippery slope.
You Don’t Need Their Approval to Heal
Here’s the biggest thing to understand—if a narcissist were to apologize and provide you with some sort of explanation, it would not guarantee your peace of mind. Your healing does not require their involvement.
It’s like if someone broke your favorite mug—you wouldn’t need them to ask for forgiveness before you glued it back together. You would simply repair what was broken and move on. The same goes for emotional healing.
You were hurt by the relationship, but you have the power to pick up the pieces.
When you try to get closure from a narcissist, you give them permission over your own healing. You tell yourself you can’t move on until they give you an explanation.
But what if they never give you that explanation?
What if they throw more lies your way that only confuse you more? What happens if the narcissist you need answers from is completely unwilling to provide them?
This is why seeking closure from a narcissist will rarely work in your favor.
Instead of trying to find answers from someone who will likely never give them to you, you can give them to yourself.
You can decide what the relationship meant to you and what you want to do moving forward.
Healing doesn’t mean you are forgetting what happened or saying that the pain didn’t exist.
It means that you are allowing yourself to heal—even if the narcissist you’re looking for never gives you that permission.
Three Things That Happen When You Seek Closure From a Narcissist
Seeking closure from a narcissist may seem like a good idea, but in reality, it can do more damage.
Here are three reasons why:
1. They Will Likely Try to Rewrite History
Narcissists do not like taking responsibility for their actions. If you sit them down one last time and ask for final explanations, they may:
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Deny things they previously said or did.
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Shift the blame onto you.
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Make you feel crazy for remembering certain events.
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Tell you stories that sound completely different in order to protect themselves.
So instead of achieving closure, you leave the conversation more hurt and questioning your own memory.
2. Emotional Reattachment
If you decide to text or call a narcissist after they hurt you, you are immediately putting yourself at risk for emotional reattachment.
When you speak to them, you may start remembering all of the good times. Suddenly you want to feel that goodness again and begin hoping they will change.
In narcissistic relationships, there are usually good times and horrible times. The good moments can feel wonderful, and when they take those moments away by hurting you, it feels devastating.
So when you seek closure from a narcissist, you risk convincing yourself that you can return to those good times.
3. They Will Probably Never Change
Let’s say you do manage to get an apology. The issue is that apologies do not mean a narcissist will change how they treat you.
They can say all the right things, but if they are not willing to accept accountability for their behavior, nothing will change.
You deserve better than that.
How to Create Your Own Closure
If you don’t need closure from a narcissist, what do you need? The answer is self-closure.
Self-closure means giving yourself permission to move forward without waiting for external validation. It means accepting that you may never have all the answers—and that is okay.
Acknowledge How You Feel
This hurts. I get it. You want someone to tell you it will all be okay. But that someone is not going to be the narcissist you’re looking for.
So instead of waiting for them to give you validation, validate yourself.
Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is okay.
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“I understand this relationship hurt me.”
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“It’s okay to feel sad.”
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“I know I deserve better, and I can heal.”
Allowing yourself to feel your emotions is a step toward closure.
Stop Looking for Reasons Why
At some point, you have to stop asking “why.” I know narcissistic behavior can hurt, but does knowing why they treated you that way change how you feel?
You deserve answers, but you also deserve peace of mind. Letting go of questions that have no answers allows you to focus on what you can control—your healing.
Focus on What You Can Learn From This
I am not saying what happened was okay. But you can learn valuable lessons from the experience:
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You know better than to ignore red flags.
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You recognize your self-worth.
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You understand what you deserve in a relationship.
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You are stronger than you think.
These lessons can help you grow, and growth is part of healing.
Set Boundaries
If you still have contact with the narcissist, you need boundaries.
You do not have to be friends with someone who hurt you.
You do not have to explain yourself or continue checking in with them.
You deserve to put yourself first, and boundaries help you do that.
Talk to Someone
You do not have to go through this alone. While you may not be able to talk to the narcissist, you can talk to someone who listens.
Healing happens when you allow yourself to feel and grow. You deserve people who support you.
Time Won’t Heal Your Wounds Without Effort
“Time heals all wounds.” We have all heard that saying, and there is some truth to it. Time can help, but only if you put in the work.
If you spend months or years replaying what happened and wishing for closure from a narcissist, time alone will not heal you.
Healing requires effort. It requires choosing yourself.
Letting Go of Closure
We think closure is something big—an elaborate gesture that makes everything feel resolved.
But with narcissists, closure does not always look like that.
True closure comes from within you. It comes from understanding that what happened was not your fault.
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“You were hurt by someone who did not deserve to be in your life.”
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“What happened to you matters.”
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“You are allowed to move on.”
Saying these things helps you reclaim your power. You no longer need permission from someone else to heal.
You can give that permission to yourself.
You Deserve Healing
Take a moment and repeat this:
“I deserve healing.”
You do not need someone to tell you it will get better in order to believe it. You are allowed to heal from the pain a narcissist caused.
Just because someone you loved hurt you does not mean you are incapable of love.
You were hurt, but you are stronger than you think.
Conclusion
Remember that you deserve better than the lies a narcissist may have told you. You deserve people who treat you with respect.
You are worthy of love, happiness, and peace of mind.
I hope you find it.
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