Benjamin Otu EffiwattThere’s a misconception about how emotional abuse feels while you’re in it. We think of those screaming matches, those big dramatic moments that make you go, “Yep. That just destroyed my self-esteem.”
But when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it doesn’t usually work like that. You don’t suddenly come home from work and find your partner shouting at you about something you did. Instead, they subtly criticize you over dinner, make jokes about your personality at parties, and forget your birthdays “because you weren’t that upset about it.”
Because of how gradual it is, you hardly notice the erosion of yourself happening until you’re suddenly finding yourself apologizing just for existing around them. That’s how subtle it can be.
THE BASICS
Let’s Talk About the Narcissistic Toolbox
Before we talk about how narcissistic manipulation harms your perception of yourself, let’s discuss what narcissism actually is. Someone who is narcissistic is not someone who is just “a little self-centered” or “may offend other people’s feelings sometimes.” The narcissistic traits we are referring to here are diagnosable personality disorders involving extreme expressions of selfishness, manipulation, and a drive to feel superior to others.
The people in their lives exist to support their narcissistic needs. That includes partners, children, friends, siblings — anyone with the misfortune of becoming closely tied to them.
At first.
When someone you care about realizes they have narcissistic tendencies, there is usually a period of improvement in their behavior. They become extra sweet, attentive, and loving towards you. Compliments become frequent. They “go above and beyond” to show you they care.
This period is known as love bombing, and it’s a manipulation tactic. Whether or not your narcissist knows they’re love bombing you when they start a relationship with you, they’re doing it to manipulate you.
The Ways Narcissism Erodes Your Self-Worth
1.Gaslighting
You mention something hurtful they said and are told it never happened. You say you feel upset and are told you’re too sensitive. You explain how a situation made you feel and they spin it until you question your perspective.
Repeat this enough and you start to question yourself whenever you raise a concern. You stop trying because you know you’ll just be told you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Before you know it, you no longer trust your own feelings or thoughts on the matter.
2.They Constantly Criticize You “Out of Love”
Narcissists are very good at disguising their put-downs as concerns, jokes, or attempts to help you. They may say things like you’re not trying hard enough at work or not raising your children right. They’ll say you don’t look how you used to or are never grateful enough.
If you catch them in the act, they’ll always deny it or say they were “just joking.” Do this enough and you start to believe it. You start to think there’s something wrong with you because everyone knows one aspect of your life isn’t up to par.
3.You Never Do Enough
If you do something they complain about, you learn your lesson and change it. But then they start criticizing things you weren’t even aware they cared about. You can never seem to please them.
Expectations are constantly moved. You are constantly changing yourself to reach them. You’ll believe yourself to be perfect one day, only to have them tear you down about something new the next.
Manipulation tactics like this are intended to keep you focused on them. If you’re too busy trying to fix yourself to please someone else, you won’t have time to see how broken you’re being allowed to become.
4.They Try to Isolate You From Others
Whether your narcissist says your friends are stupid or makes you feel guilty every time you hang out with them, they want to keep you all to themselves. Many will go out of their way to make you feel like your support system doesn’t support you.
Without other loved ones to mirror your worth back to you, you’re only hearing how you should view yourself from the one person who wants you to think poorly of yourself.
5.You Have to Feel Lucky They’re Being Decent
In a healthy relationship, kindness is not a reward you earn. It’s an expectation. But with a narcissist, you will slowly come to believe you deserve anything less than their best.
You might catch yourself feeling thankful they didn’t yell at you today, or happy they remembered your birthday. You start to measure your relationship by how bad they’re being instead of feeling concerned that they’re being bad at all.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO IDENTIFY WHILE YOU’RE IN ONE?
Gaslighting. The constant day-in, day-out manipulation takes a toll on your perspective. One minute you’re feeling completely fine about the relationship, and then you have one conversation that makes you question whether you’re insane. You think you have it figured out, but then something changes again.
We know emotional abuse can happen with the kindest people and the people we love. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that someone you care about so deeply could hurt you. So you assume you must be imagining it.
Even worse is the shame that comes with realizing someone else sees right through you. What you don’t know is that if they can see it, so can others. Narcissists are masters at making you think you’re the only one who knows their dark side.
Am I In a Relationship With a Narcissist? Questions To Ask Yourself
You love this person. You want to believe the best about them. But if you’re reading this and anything feels familiar, ask yourself these questions honestly:
- Do you leave conversations with them feeling confused about how you feel?
- Have you apologized so many times for things you don’t even remember?
- Do you find yourself becoming quieter, less of yourself, around them?
- Are you always worrying about their mood but never asking about yours?
- Have you slowly become distant from friends and family because of them?
- Did you use to hope they’d treat you well, but now you just hope they’re not horrible?
If you answered yes to a few (or maybe even all) of these questions, I want you to know that you are NOT crazy. What you’re feeling is valid; you’re being manipulated.
HOW DO YOU BEGIN TO RECOVER?
It will take time. There’s no magic solution to repair years of manipulation. You’ll need support — whether that be from a therapist, loved ones, or others who have been where you are now. But you have to be willing to trust yourself again.
You have to remember that your opinion matters. What you think, feel, and want is important — and it MATTERS. You don’t have to prove to them that you are worthy of good treatment. You don’t EVER have to justify your right to be happy.
Someone told you you weren’t enough. Believe the people who show you, through their love and care, that you are more than enough.
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