Benjamin Otu EffiwattHealthy Boundaries in Friendships: Narcissistic Behavior When the Toxic Person Is Your Friend. Until recently, I thought narcissism only existed in romantic relationships. I thought this until I found myself canceling plans and feeling anxious about picking up the phone when my mom’s best friend would text me. Narcissistic behavior in friendships is wildly common, and there are a few reasons people miss it.
Part of it is that friendship is less formal than romance and feels less serious. But another big reason why people dismiss narcissism from their friendships is loyalty. We love these people. But what happens when the best you can believe is “they’re a narcissist”? Trust your gut. I’m here to tell you that narcissistic behavior in friendships is just as damaging as it is in romantic relationships.
Why friendship with a narcissist is so confusing
The reason why it takes people so long to realize someone close to them is a narcissist is that…it doesn’t look like what you expect. Narcissists can be kind, generous, wildly entertaining, and yes, friends can be narcissistic. They will make you laugh so hard you cry. They will remember details about your life that you didn’t realize other people paid attention to. They will have your back when it suits them. And that’s where people get confused.
Here’s the thing. They can be warm and supportive because they want to be. Because they love you. But they can’t be those things consistently. Their love is conditional. They give you attention when they need something, or when you make them feel good about themselves. They stop giving it when you need something in return that they don’t want to provide, or when being your friend stops lining up with how they see themselves.
That love and attention you do get? It doesn’t mean they care about you. It means you’ve fed into the illusion enough that they want to keep giving you empty gifts just to maintain it.
Signs you’re friends with a narcissist
EVERY CONVERSATION ALWAYS FINDS ITS WAY BACK TO THEM
Think back on your last few conversations with this person. Did you get to talk about what was going on with you? Did they ask you follow-up questions about things you said? Or did they eventually steer the conversation toward them? Their problems? Their life? Their thoughts on tangentially related subjects? A narcissistic friend will weave in and out of your conversations so smoothly you don’t realize until you’re hanging up, or driving home, that you didn’t even get to finish what you wanted to say. Learn what you need to about their problems and traumas in order to provide support, but know they will never do the same for you. They love the sound of their own voice too much.
THEY ARE SUPPORTIVE…UNTIL YOU SUCCEED
This is a tough pill to swallow. Let me say up front that your narcissistic friend can want certain things for you, and will support you on the path to those things. But only to a certain extent. Until you actually get the job, or the partner, or whatever it is you’re going after. Until you actually prove yourself and do something that gives you outward attention, they will love encouraging you to reach your goals. But once you actually achieve it, they will find ways to undercut what you did, or talk about how it didn’t really meet your expectations, or pivot the conversation toward something they’re doing well. They’re not selfish enough to want you to fail, but your success is a threat to their needs.
YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR HAVING NEEDS
Friends should have each other’s backs. But a narcissistic friend will make you feel like your needs are invalid, or inappropriate, or simply less important than theirs. Did you ever hesitate to reach out to a friend in a time of need because you didn’t want to seem needy? Or maybe you knew they’d respond with frustration, or deflect the conversation onto themselves. Guess what? They would. And that’s not accidental. It’s something you learned each time you reached out for support and didn’t get it.
THEY USE WHAT YOU TELL THEM AGAINST YOU
Think about the trust between you and a good friend. You tell them something personal. Something vulnerable. And they protect that information. They don’t use it against you or manipulate you with it. A narcissistic friend will take your secrets and seal them away in their back pocket for later. Not always in the “hey, remember when you said that!” way. Sometimes it looks like they casually joked about you in front of others, or made an off-handed comment that subtly insulted you, or prompted you to question your own perception of events. Narcissistic people make you feel uncertain around them because it keeps you questioning yourself, and coming back for their approval.
THEY TAKE YOUR BOUNDARIES PERSONALLY
Set a boundary with your narcissistic friend. See how they react to it. If you say no, or tell them something bothered you and they react with days of silence, an overdramatic argument, or guilt-trip you excessively — bonus points if they do all of the above. A healthy person will not be destroyed by hearing that you aren’t available, or that something they did hurt your feelings. A narcissist will feel personally attacked, and will punish you or attempt to guilt you into recanting that boundary. Every. Single. Time.
THEY TAKE ALL THE SPACE IN THE ROOM
Sit back and look at your friendship objectively. Who plans things? Who initiates conversations? Who remembers the important stuff? Who follows up? If you answered yourself to most of these, and you feel like the friendship is only there because you keep it going… there’s your problem. Manipulative people in friendships will often try to position themselves as the center of your world. Because that’s what you are to them. An audience.
WHY IT’S HARD TO JUST CUT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE
There’s history. Often a lot of it. And probably some good times mixed in there. Toxic people know how to be generous with their affection and attention when they feel like it benefits them. They will give you plenty of warm, connected moments to keep you wondering if you’re imagining the rest. They are masters of intermittent reinforcement, which keeps people hung up on them, waiting for the version of them they fell into liking to reappear.
The guilt is another huge part of why people struggle to walk away. Your narcissistic friend probably knows exactly how to make you feel like the state of the relationship is your fault. If you two aren’t super close, it must be because you never reach out. If they’re acting distant, you must have hurt their feelings but don’t realize it. You will go back and forth trying to reestablish a connection they are no longer interested in maintaining.
So what can you do about it?
CALL IT WHAT IT IS
As always, I think the first step is acknowledging it for what it really is. Soft-pedaling around the truth of someone’s behavior doesn’t make it less true. If you know that person is your friend, and you recognize yourself in what I wrote above, trust that you know what you’re talking about. You don’t need any proof beyond your own experience.
Address it how you want. Some people like the fade method, where you pull back on your energy until they come to you wondering what’s wrong. Others like to call them out on certain behaviors and see how they respond — spoiler alert: you’ll probably know by now whether or not they actually care about changing. And you can cut them out of your life completely, which is okay too.
THE TAKEAWAY
Don’t minimize your needs to maintain the relationship. If it’s costing you your sense of self, your voice, your boundaries, or your reality… it’s not worth having. Just because someone isn’t your SO doesn’t mean they’re not allowed to hurt you. They can cause you pain. And just because they can doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
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