Benjamin Otu EffiwattYou know that feeling when you start thinking that something might be wrong with your relationship but love the person you’re with too much to really admit it? It’s awful. I’ve talked to so many people who tell me they wish they’d known SOMETHING before they got so invested in their partners. The hard truth about narcissistic relationships is that the later you understand what’s going on, the harder it is to walk away. Not just because you’re tied together financially, emotionally, or with children.
Here’s the thing. If you’re with someone that you feel REALLY awesome with most of the time, but other times YOU JUST DON’T FEEL SAFE. That gut feeling you get that something is off? Someone who hurts you over and over and tells you it’s your fault or that you’re too sensitive? Trust that feeling.
How Narcissistic Behavior Looks (Truly)
First things first, what even is narcissistic abuse? Narcissism is not just when someone is a little vain, or talks a lot about themselves. They can seem perfect, wonderful, and kind. The love bombing at the beginning of the relationship is real and intentional. Someone who loves you will do these things, too, but narcissists don’t stop there. Here are red flags to look for that go beyond “they check Twitter too much.”
The Early Stage.
If someone loved you, they would NOT do this.
Narcissists are masters at the honeymoon phase. Because the charm doesn’t stop after you say “I do.” It’s a pattern that can continue for years, depending on the person.
Remember when you first started dating and you thought you couldn’t breathe? You laughed all the time? Said “I love you” way too soon? And they felt the same way about you?
A narcissist will make you feel like that for as long as they can. Every fight will be followed by them doing everything in their power to make you fall in love with them again. But the consistency of their attentiveness fades after a while.
Empathy? What’s that?
If you’ve ever had a fight where you felt totally listened to and validated by your partner, only to have them turn around and do the same thing to YOU, it’s not the same thing. There is a trait most narcissists have called empathetic deficit. It’s a total inability to recognize how their actions affect you.
All conversations are about them.
If you say something hurtful, they know how you feel. If you cry, they’re right there with you….until they’re not. Suddenly they don’t care, or they get mad you’re crying. If you got a raise at work, congratulations… but why aren’t THEY doing better? If anything good happens to you, watch how quickly they will move the conversation back to THEM.
The Can’t Take a Joke Smell Test.
Nothing makes someone more selfish than being wrong. You cannot say something that anyone with narcissistic tendencies will ever hear, let alone accept. Did you ask them a question and they got it wrong? You’re too sensitive. Did you point out something that hurt your feelings? You’re making this a bigger deal than it is. Are you just having a bad day? Try again.
When you set a boundary or correct them, they will respond to you by doing one of three things:
Make you feel crazy.
Say sorry very fast.
Find some other way to make YOU wrong.
This is a pattern called DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It’s infuriating and happens constantly in relationships with narcissists.
Danger Signs
Much like vanity and loving yourself are not narcissism, shouting, name-calling, and throwing things is not narcissistic abuse. Actually, abusers who are explode-then-apologize crazy can sometimes be the easiest to leave because you KNOW when things are bad. It’s the things that happen day after day, over months, maybe years, that you might not realize are slowly bending YOU to fit their needs.
Watch yourself.
Do you feel like yourself when you spend time with them? After a while, you might notice that you don’t laugh as much. You don’t wanna hang out with your friends as much. You used to be passionate about politics and they’ve quelled that fire. If you love watching sports, you suddenly seem okay with never watching games with them. You get the point. Small things at first, but broad changes over time.
Little roll-zies.
Another pattern called gaslighting. It’s when you start to doubt yourself so much that you question your own memories and sanity. Did they really say that? Are you overreacting? Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten so mad. Feelings of confusion and chaos are constant when you’re with a narcissist. You will apologize for things you don’t even know you’re apologizing for.
“How dare you accuse me of this!” said nobody who actually did it.
Once you pay attention to the pattern, you’ll start to notice that the narcissists you meet will often put everyone in their life down. They’ll tell you how their friends are crazy, how their exes were every excuse they can think of but never good enough for THEM, about how coworkers are incompetent. Hell, they’ll say your family are all toxic except for you (because YOU gave them hope!). Want to know the clincher? One day, they’ll do that to you.
Why Do I Love Them MORE Than They Love Me?
See, here’s the trick about narcissists.
The love bombing IS REAL.
It feels amazing to be validated and loved the way they love you at the beginning. They ARE crazy about you…. at first. You don’t realize it, but your body becomes addicted to the push-and-pull of feeling great about yourself one moment and shattered the next.
Breaking the cycle of narcissistic behavior is hard because leaving means YOU have to change. The way you think about yourself. The way you break down what’s happened and decide your life doesn’t need to look this way anymore.
If you learn to recognize it early, you can save yourself years of questioning if YOU are the problem.
Ask yourself: How did they make me feel?
I know it sounds simple. But if you’ve spent months or years with someone who hurt you emotionally, you probably don’t trust that feeling anymore. The fact that you’re reading this means you DO trust something. Listen to your body.
How do you feel when you think about them? When you’re alone with them? After you’re together?
Light? Heavy? Happy? Small? Validated? Like you could cry?
Compare that to how you feel about the people who love you that you know have your back. There’s a reason you wait until you get home from spending time with your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other to call your best friend and vent. They make you feel bad about how you feel. Literally.
Talk to Someone.
This cannot be stressed enough. You know how we talked about how narcissists hate you sharing how they make you feel? Get outside help. A therapist. A coach. Someone who you know is on your side.
You deserve someone who can love you the way you love THEM.
FAQs
Will they ever change?
They could, maybe. But they’re not just gonna wake up one day and say “you know what, I’m never going to talk down to my partner again.” They have to WANT to change because they know they have a problem, and then they have to commit to years of painful cognitive behavioral therapy. Bottom line: If they say they’re getting help to change for YOU, they’re not changing for YOU. They’re changing because THEY want to change.
Am I the narcissist in the relationship?
If you are worried about this, 9 times out of 10, no you’re not. People with narcissistic personality disorder do not question themselves like that. However, it NEVER hurts to rule it out completely by talking to a therapist about your behavior in the relationship.
I love them so much. How do I leave?
I’ve seen people fall into narcissistic relationships repeatedly. It’s awful and completely understandable. Breakups are hard even under the best circumstances, and blaming yourself is part of what they trained you to do. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL BAD. But you’ll heal. Talk to a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. Fill your life with other people who care about you before you leave if you can. You’re not just losing a relationship, you’re dismantling years of psychological training your brain didn’t know was happening.
Isn’t everyone a little selfish? How do I know they’re not just selfish?
Everyone is guilty of being selfish sometimes. The difference between selfish and narcissistic is a pattern of behavior that looks like this list. If your partner loves you, they will hear you when you say you hurt and will work to change. They might mess up, sure, but they WILL own it without question. A selfish person can admit when they are wrong. A narcissist will not.
Final Thoughts
Learning to spot narcissistic behavior before you fall in love doesn’t mean you should distrust everyone who ever gives you butterflies. But you should watch how they make YOU feel over time. If someone you love hurts you repeatedly and makes you feel guilty for admitting it, take those feelings into consideration. They’re not being paranoid — THEY’VE BEEN DAMAGING YOU!
