Benjamin Otu EffiwattIf you’ve ever felt like you were slowly erasing yourself inside your relationship; walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting your partner; questioning your memory; apologizing for things you didn’t do; wondering why you always seem to be wrong — you’ve likely experienced narcissistic behavior in relationships.
Up front: having a narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical issue. Not every selfish or difficult person you’ve ever loved has narcissistic personality disorder. However, behaviors rooted in entitlement, manipulation, and lack of empathy can destroy a relationship whether they’re officially recognized as a disorder or not.
Why Narcissistic Behavior Is So Hard To Recognize
Why do people stay in painful relationships with narcissists for so long? One reason is because the symptoms aren’t always obvious at first. In fact, they can start off breathtakingly wonderful. The narcissist may shower you with attention, compliments, and affection. You feel special. You feel loved. This phase is known as love bombing, by the way. And it’s not an accident.
It usually takes months, even years, before the true patterns set in. But by then, you’re hooked. You’ve also unknowingly adjusted your expectations of what “normal” feels like. Something that would’ve caused you to run in month one is normal by month twelve.
Spotting narcissistic behavior can also be difficult because it’s often masked by humor, charisma, or other positives. Many narcissists are excellent at behaving lovingly in public and horribly in private. The dichotomy between how they treat you and how they seem to others is another tactic that keeps victims feeling crazy and alone.
7 Day-To-Day Examples of Narcissistic Behavior
This is the part I want to focus on. Let’s stop with the general descriptions of narcissism and dig into what it actually looks like day to day.
1.Everything Is About Them
You could be talking about your dog’s vet appointment and they’ll find a way to relate it back to something in their life that’s worse, or smaller, or requires more attention. The focus is constantly pulled back to them, because the exchange is only about them.
It’s not occasional selfishness. Someone who regularly behaves this way makes you feel like your life only matters as it relates to them.
2.They Attempt To Rewrite History
Have you ever told your partner about something they said that hurt you, only to be gaslit into thinking it didn’t happen? Did they call you too sensitive? Did they claim you must have misunderstood what they “really” said? Did they laugh it off? Have you ever questioned your memory or sanity because of it?
Gaslighting is, hands-down, the most harmful thing a partner can do to you emotionally. It’s the narcissistic equivalent of abuse because it destroys your sense of self.
3.You Can Provide A Never-Ending Supply Of Criticism — But They Can’t Do The Same
Healthy partners can both give and receive criticism from one another. With narcissists, criticism only flows one way. They pick apart your appearance, choices, parenting, cooking, tone of voice, etc., but when you dare to question one of their behaviors, they flip out. Suddenly you’re the one being aggressive, unkind, or unreasonable.
Aside from being passive-aggressive, this behavior teaches you that it’s not okay to provide any kind of negative feedback to your partner — which will reinforce the first point.
4.They Know How To Turn Love Into Manipulation
If you’ve ever felt guilty for wanting something your partner couldn’t give you, you’ve felt the weight of manipulation disguised as love. Many narcissistic partners are experts in making you feel like you’re to blame for their emotions — even when they’ve acted cruelly.
You might also experience a level of intermittent reinforcement known as the silent treatment, where they purposefully withhold affection from you to punish you. Or they may accuse you of wanting them to leave when you raise a concern about their behavior. Or they might threaten violence if you refuse to drop an argument. All manipulation.
5.When You Have Needs, They’re The Worst Thing About The Relationship
In a healthy partnership, two people’s needs are taken seriously and weighed with similar importance. When dating or living with a narcissist, your needs — be they emotional, physical, or practical — will inevitably feel like unacceptable burdens.
Asking for anything will earn you a response along the lines of “you’re always asking for something.” Setting limits = controlling. Asking for reassurance = needy.
These examples teach you to not have needs, or at least not to voice them. You slowly shrink smaller and smaller to accommodate them.
6.Comparison == Jealousy == Insecurity
Triangulation is when the narcissist involves someone else in your relationship to make you feel insecure or competitive. They might talk about how their ex would’ve never done xyz, or they may flirt with other people to punish you. They might casually mention how loved they feel by their parents, siblings, or work colleagues when you question their behavior.
All of these things are designed to make you feel like you need to prove yourself — or else you’ll lose them.
7.It Becomes A Never-Ending Cycle
The nightmare cycle is probably what keeps people longest. There’s always a period of loving, flowers-and-chocolates behavior after a blow-up that convinces you everything is fine. This intermittent reinforcement is psychological warfare. It’s how they keep you hooked.
Eventually, your partner will revert to their old behaviors. You offer criticism that winds them up, they scream at you, you panic and offer a ton of apologies to make things right. Then they calm down. You never really discuss what happened. Then it happens again.
In order for things to actually change, your partner would need to recognize their behavioral patterns and seek professional help. Most people won’t do this without serious outside pressure. And that’s why the cycle repeats.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can narcissists actually change their ways?
YES. But they have to want to change. They have to recognize their toxic patterns, seek help from a professional, and do the hard work to reverse decades of flawed thinking. Very few people just wake up and decide to become emotionally healthy overnight. It’s a lot of work.
Is it possible that I’m the narcissist in my relationship?
A narcissist would think that you are. But just because you’ve exhibited some of these traits doesn’t mean you fit the criteria. Asking this question shows that you care about your partner and your relationship. Seeking answers is a good sign.
On the other hand, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) is a well-known tactic that narcissists use. By attacking you or making you feel guilty, they can take all the blame while you feel responsible for improving them.
If you’re unsure, a conversation with a licensed therapist can really clear things up.
How can I tell if this is just a bad patch or part of a pattern?
Bad patches will not follow the cycle described above. There’s no building tension. No love-bombing when they finally snap out of correction mode. Both people apologize and commit to do better.
If you find yourself constantly apologizing but never sure why, or if your self-esteem has plummeted since being with your partner, take notice. These are clues that what you’re experiencing isn’t a bad patch.
Final Thoughts
Understanding narcissistic patterns within a relationship dynamic can be difficult, especially if you’ve been stuck in one for a long period of time. Denial is a survival tactic. Ignoring red flags helps you justify staying with someone who may be hurting you.
But patterns of narcissistic behavior are just that: patterns. They happen again and again and again. Once you know what to look for, you’ll stop second-guessing yourself when things get bad.
Yes, it hurts to face the truth. Yes, it feels disloyal. But you owe it to yourself to recognize unhealthy behavior for what it is. Whether you decide to stay and work on the relationship with couples therapy, or you decide that leaving is the best option for you — you deserve to make that decision from a place of strength and clarity. Not through a fog of self-doubt someone else created.
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