Benjamin Otu EffiwattLife with a controlling parent is like having someone looking over your shoulder every minute of every day, pointing out everything you do, think, or say that they don’t like. Wait…that’s exactly what it’s like! I’m a recovering people-pleaser who grew up with a super controlling mother. Because of that, much of my young adult life was spent trying to rediscover my sense of self and independence, along with my confidence and peace of mind. If you’re reading this, you’re probably here for the same reasons.
This post is meant to provide you with a step-by-step process for how to heal from a controlling parent in a way that is kind, realistic, and empowering. Healing from a toxic parent isn’t about pointing fingers or harboring anger. Instead, it’s about learning how to set healthy boundaries and become the independent, authentic YOU that you were meant to be.
Understanding How a Controlling Parent Impacts You Emotionally and Behaviorally
I constantly felt like I had to be perfect growing up. Whenever I made a decision that they disagreed with, I was either told how wrong I was or how I could have done something differently. They wouldn’t allow me to express how I felt about something unless it mirrored their opinions or thoughts on the subject.
Here are just a few tactics a controlling parent might use:
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Put you down or belittle your decisions
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Manipulate your feelings
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Infringe on your boundaries
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Force you to do something that you’re uncomfortable with
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Ignore your feelings or thoughts
For as long as I could remember, I thought that everything was my fault. My mother’s anger, put-downs, and control issues made me anxious, caused low self-esteem, and always made me second-guess my decisions. I would feel extreme guilt every time I did something without her approval or expressed a feeling or thought that she didn’t agree with. I know many of you can relate to these feelings. Growing up with a controlling parent can greatly impact your adult life.
How to Heal From a Controlling Parent: 12 Steps
Step 1: Accept What Happened
The first step to learning how to heal from a controlling parent is ACCEPTANCE. Accept that the past happened and that you were unable to control your parent’s actions, no matter how much you may have wanted to.
Write down all the times you felt controlled, manipulated, belittled, or silenced by your parent. This step isn’t about confronting your parent (though you can if you want to); it’s about acknowledging how you felt during those times and allowing yourself to feel those emotions, even if it’s years later.
Step 2: You Are NOT to Blame
If you grew up with a controlling parent, you probably told yourself things like:
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“If I weren’t so stupid, maybe they wouldn’t…”
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“If I just do what they want, maybe they won’t snap at me.”
Here’s the truth about controlling parents: they’re IN CONTROL. They choose to manipulate your feelings and actions to their advantage. You are NOT to blame for their behavior, no matter how hard they tried to make you think otherwise.
Step 3: Identify Your Limiting Beliefs
Once you become aware of the negative messages from your parent, you will start to recognize your LIMITING BELIEFS. A limiting belief is a thought you hold about yourself that prevents you from living your best life. My controlling mother made me feel like I could never do anything right.
Some examples of my limiting beliefs were:
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I can’t trust my decision-making skills
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I’m selfish
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I have to please everyone to be loved
Limiting beliefs can prevent you from forming healthy relationships as an adult. They may make you shy away from success or acceptance for fear that you’ll do something wrong. Write down your limiting beliefs, and in the next step, we’ll learn how to challenge them.
Step 4: Set Healthy Boundaries
Let me say this clearly: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SET LIMITS. Many people struggle with boundaries, but when it comes to your toxic parent, you get to decide how you communicate and what topics are off-limits. Boundaries might look like:
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Not discussing topics that encourage manipulation or control
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Saying NO to requests or demands that invalidate your boundaries
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Limiting contact if they continuously disrespect your boundaries
It’s okay if they try to guilt-trip or argue with you about your boundaries. That doesn’t mean you were wrong to set them.
Step 5: Practice Trusting Yourself Again
You might think, “How can I trust myself if someone controlled every move I ever made?” Start small. Make minor decisions without seeking approval:
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What do you want to eat?
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What shirt are you going to wear?
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How will you spend your day off?
Allow yourself to make these choices independently. You’ll be surprised at how empowering it feels to trust yourself again.
Step 6: Seek Support
Seeking help from friends, family, or therapists isn’t just okay—it’s encouraged. Let people who care about you validate your feelings. They can help you recognize when your parent crosses a boundary or manipulate your emotions.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know, many therapists offer online support. Check out Psychology Today’s directory for options.
Step 7: Practice Self-Compassion
Healing from a controlling parent involves ups and downs. Some days will feel discouraging. On those days, practice SELF-COMPASSION.
Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean you’re weak. Checking in with your emotions, acknowledging your progress, and allowing yourself to feel sadness, guilt, or anger will help you grow. These feelings are valid and temporary.
Step 8: Discover Your True Identity
Children of controlling parents often adopt parts of their parent’s personality as adults. You may notice habits or interests that feel more like your parent than you.
Your identity is not determined by your parent. You decide what you enjoy, think, and feel. Recognizing your authentic self is a powerful tool on your healing journey.
Step 9: Learn How to Forgive
You do not have to forgive your parent for their behavior, but holding onto anger gives them power over your life. Forgiveness isn’t for them—it’s for you. It allows you to release resentment and move forward freely.
Step 10: Let Freedom Take Hold
After following these steps, you’ll feel relief. Choosing to set boundaries or reduce contact with a toxic parent can bring immense freedom. YOU DESERVE TO FEEL FREE!
Step 11: Nurture Healthy Relationships
Allow yourself to be vulnerable with people you trust. Build healthy attachments—romantic or platonic. Your support system is there to help you when you need it most.
Step 12: Continue Growing as a Person
I hope these tips on how to heal from a controlling parent have helped you start your journey. Breaking old habits shaped by your parent takes time. Forgive yourself for setbacks, and celebrate how far you’ve come.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for letting me share my story. Healing from a controlling parent is one of the hardest things you’ll face, but nothing compares to the freedom, confidence, and self-trust you’ll gain. You are worthy of love and freedom. Don’t let toxic behavior rob you of the beautiful person you are.
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