Benjamin Otu EffiwattIf someone you dated made you feel guilty for taking up space. Made you apologize when you questioned his motives or reacted defensively to constructive feedback. If he ever left you wondering if you were too sensitive, too needy, or just plain too much — chances are you crossed paths with some degree of narcissism. Narcissistic behaviors in men are more prevalent than we like to admit, and they can be extremely easy to brush aside when you first start getting to know someone.
Masked by charm and often attached to a healthy dose of alpha energy, what appears to be confidence can slowly reveal itself as control. What may have started looking like passion can quietly turn to possession. Let me tell you about ten narcissistic behaviors in men that should never be excused.
Why These Behaviors Are So Easy to Miss
The reality is that being with a narcissistic man can feel totally normal at first. Some of the most charismatic people I’ve ever met happen to also have narcissistic personality disorder. Because most of us do not understand narcissism or what that looks like in practice, we fail to recognize it when we see it — especially early on. They know exactly what to say and how to make you feel chosen, special, and deeply seen. Whether they are consciously aware of this behavior or not, the early stages are always a calculated, bewildering landslide of affection sometimes known as love bombing. Which brings me to why these red flags are so easy to ignore…
When eventually — and inevitably — the red flags pop up, you’ve already fallen in love with him. You start making excuses for his behavior because you don’t want to believe that he isn’t who you thought he was. He must have had a tough childhood, right? He’s probably just stressed at work. He doesn’t mean it like that — maybe you’re too sensitive. And sometimes, those things may be true. Everyone deserves grace when they are suffering. But there is a huge difference between a man who is dealing with a hard season and a man who repeatedly uses the people around him to fulfill his own emotional needs with zero accountability. One is temporary. The other is malignant.
Why Excusing These Behaviors Hurts You
Accepting excuses for narcissistic behavior will not make them stop — it will only teach him what works. Every time you take him back after cheating, every time you shrink yourself down to keep the peace, and every time you allow him to apologize with zero intention of changing his behavior, you are teaching him that you will accept whatever he throws your way. It doesn’t matter if he comes back crying and pleading. Once you give someone else permission to treat you however they want, that’s exactly how they will continue to do it. Because this isn’t about pointing fingers. This is about waking up.
10 Narcissistic Behaviors in Men That Should Never Be Excused
#1 Gaslighting You Into Questioning Your Own Reality
Gaslighting is a psychological form of abuse that makes victims question their reality. If he ever told you that you were “overreacting,” “too sensitive,” or “making things up” when you tried to confront something that hurt you, that’s gaslighting. This type of manipulation makes you doubt yourself. Makes you question your instincts and memories. Enough that you start second-guessing yourself constantly. And that right there is the goal. Give him that much power over you and he can control you.
#2 Using the Silent Treatment as Punishment
Couples argue. Every relationship has conflict. But healthy couples know how to move through arguments without allowing them to escalate. If he ever went cold as punishment for upsetting him, that’s not maturity. That’s control. The silent treatment is used to punish you into submission. It’s starvation until you break just to have him talk to you again.
#3 Never Taking Accountability
His inability to say “I was wrong.” If he can say “I was wrong, but you…” then he never took accountability in that moment. There is no accountability with a narcissistic man. They are experts at manipulation. So good, in fact, that when they screw up — and they will — they will find a way to turn every confrontation back onto you. Even if it was blatantly obvious he was wrong, you’ll end the fight apologizing. Learn to recognize how often you walk away from arguments feeling guilty when you know you did nothing wrong.
#4 Making Jokes at Your Expense
Jokes at your expense are NOT jokes. Anyone who targets your insecurities as a form of humor does not respect you. It doesn’t matter if he follows it up with “you’re welcome” or “I love you.” Punching someone down and calling it humor is abuse. Somebody who loves you will not make you feel like shit just to laugh.
#5 Needing Constant Attention and Admiration
Did you ever notice how quickly he lost interest when the attention was on you? A narcissistic man has to be the focus. He needs to be the smartest person in the room. He needs to be the best at his job and come home with exciting stories to share. Any time you try to steal the spotlight away from him — even when you’re just speaking about yourself — he will find ways to bring it back to him. Talking over you, talking behind your back, not asking about your day — the list goes on.
#6 No Empathy for Your Feelings
You can cry, you can be pissed off, you can tell him you’re dying inside, and his reaction should never be nothing, a minimization of what you’re feeling, or making it about him. There are plenty of people who love you that won’t pretend to care about your feelings. But a narcissist will. They love you with no empathy.
#7 Trying to Control You “Out of Love”
“I don’t want you to go out with those friends because I care about you.” “I just want to look through your phone because I love you.” “I don’t like that outfit because I’m your boyfriend.” Manipulative people disguise their controlling behavior as love. True love never asks for control over you. It’s not about love at all if he only feels comfortable when you’re acting a certain way.
#8 Rewriting Past Events
He denied things happened the way you remember them, you tried to hold him accountable, and suddenly he gave you an entire new perspective on an event that you were both involved in — one that somehow makes you wrong and him totally justified. Repeat this scenario enough times, and you’ll find yourself questioning your own memory and sanity. Oh, and that’s the point.
#9 Bringing Other Women Into Your Conversations
My favorite flavor of triangulation is when he continuously makes you jealous by mentioning past girlfriends or casually flirting with waitresses. Playing other women against you is a great way to keep you on your toes and constantly wondering where you stand.
#10 Punishing You When You Set Boundaries
So you tried to set a boundary around something that bothered you and he flipped? Yelled? Guilt-tripped? Called you needy? Hold onto that feeling. Respectful people accept boundaries, even when they don’t agree with them. Abuse of any kind knows ZERO boundaries.
Final Thoughts
My intention with sharing this list is not to convince you that you are dating a narcissist or that you were foolish to fall for him in the first place. Recognizing these traits does not make you a victim. It makes you aware. And with awareness comes power. Trust that you know more than you realize. I know how easy it is to hold onto the version of the boyfriend you fell in love with rather than the person he’s showing you today. But honey, that person was never who he let on to be.
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