I want to start off by saying I know a thing or two about narcissistic behavior. I know from personal experience, from reading books and endless articles, and from years of observing patterns after cheating incidents come to light. If you’ve ever had a relationship with a narcissist — someone who constantly needs validation, lacks empathy, and will make you feel crazy like you’re losing your mind — you know how helpless it feels.

You should know these triggers not to excuse the hurt that these people cause you, but because once you know why they acted the way they did, you gain a power that ignorance and confusion will never give you. When you start to understand, you can begin to heal.

Wait…What Exactly Is Narcissistic Behavior?

To make matters simple, let’s first discuss what narcissistic behavior really is. Sure, we all know narcissists are overly confident, self-involved, and sometimes even delusional. But it’s more than that.

Here’s the short version. People who display narcissistic traits cycle constantly between feelings of grandiosity and feelings of threat. That insecurity is what drives most of their behavior.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosable mental health condition. However, there are many degrees of narcissism. Someone can have narcissistic tendencies without actually qualifying for a diagnosis. So what do all these people have in common? Well, for one, they all have a difficult time receiving criticism, rejection, or feeling like they aren’t in control. They constantly seek to confirm their power and superiority over others through control, validation, and admiration.

Why Do They Act That Way?

Hold on a second. Before we go any further, I just want to say this: I had a hard time swallowing this pill, but the reality is that most people who display narcissistic behavior are hurting. They hurt because deep down, underneath all of the arrogance and abuse, they don’t know how to love themselves or feel secure in who they are. For most narcissists, this goes way back to their childhood.

Some children are applauded excessively and never learn how to cope with failure or defeat. Others are ignored or neglected to the point that they feel ashamed of their very existence. In one scenario, you have a child who is told they can do no wrong. In the other, you have a child who creates a false personality because their true self feels so worthless. Either way, they grow up to be adults who rely on other people’s opinions of them to feel good about themselves.

What Triggers Narcissistic Abuse?

Now that we have a basic understanding of narcissism, let’s talk about what sets them off. When you know their triggers, you will understand what makes them go into “armor-up” mode.

What Triggers Narcissistic Behavior?

Everything they do is based on their ego and their deep insecurity. Triggers are situations that make them feel like they are losing control, being rejected, or being criticized. Once you identify these triggers, their behavior will make more and more sense. You’ll be able to look at the situation objectively rather than emotionally reacting to their abuse.

Here are the biggest triggers:

Criticism or the Perception of Being Criticized

If you dare question or criticize something about a narcissist, you better hold on tight. They will react, usually very badly. The reason? Narcissists tie their sense of self-worth to how other people perceive them. Anything you say that may suggest they’re less than perfect will be fought like someone challenged their religion.

So if you say something as innocent as “maybe you shouldn’t have yelled about that,” they will respond with outrage. This is your first clue that there is a problem.

Loss of Control

A narcissist has to be in control of everything around them, and that includes you. When they feel like they’re losing control of you — because you stood up for yourself, made a decision without consulting them, or you just aren’t as available as they want — they panic. Expect anything from narcissistic rage to subtle manipulative tactics that attempt to reassert their control.

Rejecting Their Needs or Wanting to Spend Less Time With Them

Ever tried to cancel plans with a narcissist? How about take a day for yourself? Or not respond to their text right away? In their mind, that’s rejection. Many times it will send them into a frenzy trying to win you back. At other times, you may see them withdraw completely or yell at you for being a horrible human being who doesn’t care about them.

Allowing Them to Be Made to Look Foolish in Public or Feel Like They Aren’t the Smartest Person in the Room

If they aren’t number one, they may become annoyed, try to blame you for their shortcomings, or even lash out in anger. Any time you disagree with a narcissist, they will feel the need to one-up you or prove that their opinion is the valid one.

Ignoring Them or Not Giving Them Enough Attention

Narcissists need constant validation from others to feel good about themselves. If you aren’t giving it to them — and trust me, they’ll let you know what they want — they will either play the victim, create a problem that requires your attention, or attempt to drive you crazy.

Reminding Them of Failures in the Past or Skills They Lack

Did your narcissistic boyfriend snap at the server during dinner? Don’t remind him of it later. Narcissists deal with failure by deflecting, playing the victim, or outright denying anything that happened to make them look bad.

Trying to Change Them

Ultimately, narcissists will do anything they can to avoid changing. So if you push them to fix their behavior, see a therapist, or take responsibility for their actions, you’re headed for a world of hurt. They simply aren’t built that way.

Why This Knowledge Helps You Heal

I don’t want you to misunderstand me. Learning about what makes narcissists tick is not an excuse for their behavior. It will not keep you from experiencing hurt, and it certainly doesn’t mean you should subject yourself to that behavior anymore. What understanding these triggers can do for you is clear your head.

Trying to reason with a narcissist is like playing basketball with someone who has no arms. No matter how much sense you think you are making, they will not hear you. They can’t. Part of their behavior stems from their deep insecurity and fragile ego. When you know their triggers, you can remind yourself that their reaction to you spending the night with a friend was less about you and more about them not trusting you not to abandon them.

Recognizing these patterns will also help you grieve the relationship more fully. A lot of people dealing with a breakup from a narcissist spend time grieving two losses: the person they thought was dating them and the relationship they thought they were in. When you know the signs, you can heal from that relationship because you will know it for what it really was.

How to Set Boundaries Using This Information

Learning about narcissistic triggers can help you set boundaries with abusive people in the future. You will know to stop explaining yourself over and over to someone who will never take accountability for their actions. You won’t waste your energy trying to prove how much you love them to someone who only loves you when you give them what they want.

Instead, you can set firm boundaries, be clear in your communication, and invest that emotional energy in friends and partners who deserve it. Some relationships can be healed with this knowledge. Others can’t. Learning the difference is key.

Healing Comes From You Putting Yourself Back Together

Understanding narcissistic triggers is just one step in learning how to heal from these types of relationships. Healing looks different for everyone, but it starts with having trust in yourself again. It means reconnecting with your emotions, your intuition, and those scary feelings we try our hardest to ignore.

Once you start putting the pieces back together, you can begin to build relationships with people who value you and treat you how you deserve to be treated. Therapy is a great place to start. There are great resources on trauma-informed therapy and CBT that can help. Sometimes it even helps to talk to people who have been through the same thing. But what will help you the most is learning how to listen to yourself again.

FAQs

Can Narcissists Change?

People with narcissistic tendencies can change if they actively seek a high level of therapy and care about bettering themselves enough to dig deep. However, this is rare because it requires a narcissist to admit that they have problems in the first place. For most people who fall into this category, change will never happen because they will not do it for themselves.

Is It Possible to Have a Healthy Relationship With a Narcissist?

As I mentioned before, it all depends on the level of narcissism. Some people with minor narcissistic traits can have healthy relationships if both partners set clear boundaries and communicate. Full-blown narcissists? You’re better off without them.

Why Do I Still Miss Them?

If your partner cheated and they were narcissistic, chances are your relationship had times where they were amazing. Sure, they cheated, but they also bought you gifts, told you how amazing you were, and made you feel wanted. Cheating can create trauma bonds, which is why you still think of your ex and wish things would work out. But they won’t. Not with that person, anyway.

Remember that the next time you cry yourself to sleep.

Why Do I Think I Was in a Narcissistic Relationship?

Again, everyone can display narcissistic behavior from time to time. But if you consistently found yourself questioning your reality, felt guilty for setting boundaries, or felt like you were the only one giving in the relationship, you might want to seek out someone who specializes in narcissistic abuse.

Wrapping Up

Trust me when I say healing from a relationship influenced by narcissistic behavior takes time, and there’s no shame in how long it takes you. What learning about triggers can do for you is give you something that sheer confusion cannot. Understanding will give you perspective.

And with perspective, you can make sense of what happened to you, let go of blaming yourself for things you cannot control, and start to focus on who you are and what you need moving forward. That is something ignorance will never be able to do for you.

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