Benjamin Otu EffiwattDon’t let the title fool you. This post is just as much about narcissistic behavior as the last. However, this type isn’t loud, doesn’t brag, and isn’t necessarily easy to spot.
Behind passive-aggressive barbs, “but I just worry about you” remarks, and endless stories about how they’re the perpetual victim hides covert narcissism. It’s quieter. Meaner, even. Rather than demanding admiration, they manipulate until you give it willingly. They present as wounded instead of wounded-up. And they lay down the guilt trips like a pro.
I’ve watched covert narcissistic behavior tear people down from the inside. Leave them questioning their sanity. Their judgment. Their worth. All without being able to put their finger on why they feel so miserable all of the time.
Recognizing Covert Narcissism
Overt narcissism comes with a big, flashing sign above their heads. They’re the ones hogging conversations, bragging about themselves constantly, demanding to be praised, and blowing up when they don’t receive it. The difference between that kind of person and everyone else is obvious.
Covert narcissists blend in seamlessly. Until they don’t.
They appear shy, sensitive, easily hurt, and incredibly humble. They wear their victim card proudly and act like the most selfless person in the room. On the surface, they can come across as caring, quiet, and even spiritual. But that’s just it — only on the surface.
Underneath that ultra-sensitive exterior beats the same narcissistic heart we alluded to in the last post. A heart with an inflated sense of self, a deep need for admiration, zero empathy for others, and a desire to view all of their relationships as ways to get what they need. The difference is how they go about getting it. Overt narcissists take big and loud. Covert narcissists take quietly… and make you feel guilty for realizing it.
THE CRAZY MAKING SIGNS:
Gaslighting by omission. Passive-aggression disguised as helplessness. Chronic victimhood. Entitlement wrapped up in silence.
Sound familiar? Here are eight of the most recognizable patterns of covert narcissistic behavior.
1.They speak almost exclusively through passive aggression.
The covert narcissist will rarely just say, “Hey, I’m mad at you.” Instead they quietly withdraw, become cold, sigh dramatically, drop subtle jabs disguised as truths, and then pretend nothing was meant when you call them out on it.
Every time.
They will make you feel like the crazy aggressor for simply acknowledging what they said/did.
2.They are professional victims.
You know how when someone says, “Oh my God, nothing ever goes right for me?” and you immediately think “yeah… you crazy… try me”? Well, the covert narcissist doesn’t have that conversation with anyone. Ever.
Their entire identity is centered around how badly they’ve been wronged in life. They have some variation of “my _____ ruined my life” story about their parents, exes, childhood friends, coworkers, you name it. It makes you feel special early on because you seem to be the first person who actually listens.
But you quickly learn that their victim story has no end. And any attempt to establish a boundary gets twisted to fit into it.
3.They slowly kill your confidence.
This is hard to pinpoint early on because it’s so subtle. Overt narcissists will insult you to your face. Covert narcissists hide poisonous little truths in statements disguised as caring.
They’ll say things like, “I just worry about you because you struggle with ____ so much when it comes naturally to everyone else,” or “you would have been so good at that. I’m sure you would have gotten the promotion if you just weren’t so scared to put yourself out there.”
Bam. Two amazing sentences that make you feel secretly inadequate. All while making you feel cared about so you thank them for their “concern.”
4.They pull the silent treatment like a chef cooks pasta.
Let me explain. When the covert narcissist feels wronged about something they either disappear for periods of time or suddenly become unavailable to you.
When you do talk, they may answer you with short one-word responses or say things like, “I’ve been really busy” or “don’t have much energy to chat right now.”
Essentially, they emotionally remove themselves from the relationship as punishment. But it’s not stated that way. It just happens. And because you want them back to their warm selves, you begin trying to appease them by whatever means necessary. Usually apologizing for something you aren’t even sure you did.
Doing this enough times conditions you to maintain their emotional well-being before you can even worry about your own.
5.They love a good triangulation even though they’d never admit it.
Triangulation happens when someone you’re involved with talks about another person as a way to trigger your insecurities. Overt narcissists don’t care if you know they’re doing it. Covert narcissists are a little sneakier.
You’ll hear things like, “can you believe X thinks that about me?” Or “my therapist really gets me.” Or “my ex couldn’t ever accept how great I am.”
Does your mind automatically jump to trying to win someone back who never left? Mine does too. Trust me. It’s a game. To them. All of these things feed the covert narcissist’s need to be admired without them ever having to ask for something directly.
6.They are masters of gaslighting you into questioning your reality.
You saw something happen. You know what happened. But after talking to them about it you walk away suddenly doubting your own memory of the event.
They are experts at taking situations and reframing them so that you are the problem. They never refute anything loudly or combatively. Instead, they do it with kindness and patience as if you would understand if you just listened to them.
“I don’t think that happened quite like you remember.”
“You always…”
“That doesn’t sound like you.”
If done long enough, this type of manipulation will make you question everything you know to be true about them.
7.They say all the right empathy things. But it doesn’t go anywhere.
Empathy comes from understanding someone so deeply that you know how to support them when they are struggling. What the covert narcissist does sounds like empathy but isn’t.
They can mirror your emotions, use therapeutic language, and appear to “get” you. But if you pay attention, you’ll notice that those kind words are never backed up with meaningful action.
They hear you. But they don’t listen. Your needs are valid enough for them to acknowledge them to your face but not enough for them to change their behavior.
8.Everything they sacrifice is mentioned… all. of. the. time.
The covert narcissist loves to play the martyr. But they aren’t humble about it. They sacrifice things just enough for you to notice and then yell about it from the mountain tops.
I’ll make this dinner for us but don’t you dare EVER forget that I had to stay up late to prepare it.
They give you things (usually small ones) but make damn sure you know they cost them something.
Over time you become so mentally indebted to someone else that you can’t pinpoint the moment your head was kicked so hard and held there while they kicked it again.
Why You Might Still Be With Them (& How To Leave)
Like all narcissistic behavior, there are a few reasons why breaking away from someone who quietly tears you down is so difficult. One, you spend way too much time convincing yourself that you are the problem. This person is hurting because they are empathetic, they’ve suffered, and they love you so much… How could you possibly do this to them?
Another reason is the breadcrumb trail of decent moments they leave behind. The covert narcissist is usually pretty damn charming. They know how to be emotionally available in bursts. It’s a cycle of hope that keeps you constantly searching for the version of them you fell into liking instead of the one you’re actually with now.
The last reason is that, by the time you’ve realized you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, your ability to trust yourself has been worn down. Talked down to constantly for overreacting, taking things too personally, and having needs that are “too much” — doubting yourself will become (and maybe already has) second nature to you.
FAQ
Can a covert narcissist be helped?
Anyone can change if they truly want to and are willing to put in the work. Reaching out for help is almost never something a narcissist does on their own because they never believe they need it. Yes, that includes covert narcissists.
Is covert narcissism worse than overt?
This isn’t something we can definitively answer for everyone. Some will say their recovery from overt narcissistic abuse was harder. Some will say the covert kind was. But for most survivors I talk to, dealing with a covert narcissist was more difficult because no one knew what was happening to them.
You didn’t come away with bruises someone could see. There was no screaming, right-in-your-face craziness to explain when you tried to justify why you needed to leave. All you were left with was this invisible feeling that slowly robbed you of your mind until you started believing it too.
I know that feeling. It’s exhausting. And I want you to know that you’re not crazy.
How do I put space between us if I’m worried they might be a covert narcissist?
Trust your instincts. If you leave their presence and consistently feel awful about yourself, that is meaningful information. Start building other relationships where you feel safe. Talk to people about how you feel. And if you can, seek out someone who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery to help you process everything that happened.
Healing from this kind of relationship will be hard, but you are worth it. Much love to you.
Conclusion
If you’ve ever been involved with a covert narcissist — thank you for reading this. My hope is that you finish this article with at least one aha moment to help you on your way to healing. Recovering from narcissistic abuse takes time and support so please don’t do it alone.
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