Benjamin Otu EffiwattIf I’m being completely transparent with you… Some of the most unsettling moments in toxic relationships aren’t the screaming matches or the blatant red flags right in front of you. They’re the little moments when things start to feel “wrong”, but you can’t quite pinpoint why.
Because, as messy as dysfunctional relationships can get, they don’t usually start there. They start with laughs, compliments, and what feels like a magical connection. And by the time you realise something might be “off”, you’re already falling in love with them.
If that’s happened to you, please don’t think I’m blaming you—because I’m not. This is me giving you the tools to clearly see what happened so you can guard your heart from it happening again.
Why It’s Easy to Not Notice
In order for narcissistic manipulation to work, it has to be subtle. Otherwise, you would never pursue anything with them.
Quick refresher: narcissistic manipulation can look like the following:
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Flattering attention
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Over-the-top kindness
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Words that sound right… but feel off
It’s not aggressive. It’s manipulative.
And that’s why you don’t realise it.
You justify. You explain. Your excuse.
Allow me to explain where that false connection begins.
The Beginning: Charm & Emotional Connection
Manipulation isn’t always obvious at the start of a relationship with a narcissist. Often, there’s a phase where everything seems… great.
They may:
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Compliment you excessively
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Show you a lot of attention
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Make you feel “special” or “chosen.”
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Connect with you emotionally—very quickly
It feels less like manipulation and more like…
Love.
But behind the scenes, they’re studying you.
Learning what you like.
What you need.
What you value.
Not to build a genuine connection, but to use it later.
1. Mirroring: Feeling Understood Before Losing Trust
Mirroring is a powerful tool manipulators use to create a bond with you.
They mirror your:
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Interests
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Values
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Communication style
So you feel like
“We have so much in common.”
“They really get me.”
This creates instant closeness.
But over time, you may start to notice that their actions don’t match their words.
This isn’t something you catch right away.
It’s the manipulation slowly revealing itself after they’ve gained your trust.
2. Gaslighting: Making You Question Yourself
Gaslighting can be obvious—but more often, it starts small.
“It wasn’t me.”
“You’re taking it too far.”
“You must be remembering that wrong.”
At first, these comments seem insignificant.
But over time, you start to
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Question yourself
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Doubt your reactions
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Second-guess your feelings
Slowly, your truth becomes whatever they want you to believe.
And that is manipulation.
3. Shifting Blame: Making Everything Your Fault
This is a big one—and it happens more than you think.
You say something.
It gets twisted.
And suddenly… It’s your fault.
You felt hurt → You’re too sensitive
You asked for clarity → You’re overthinking
You set a boundary → You “can’t take a joke.”
The focus shifts away from the issue…
And onto you.
Until you start questioning everything.
4. Love Bombing & Withholding: Hooking You With Kindness
Consistency builds comfort.
When someone treats you well consistently, you naturally get attached.
But manipulators do something different.
They give you intense affection… and then withdraw it.
They pull you in—and then pull away.
Why?
Because once you’ve felt that “good version” of them, you’ll chase it.
You’ll:
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Put in more effort
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Excuse bad behavior
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Hold onto the good moments
5. Devaluation: From Special to “Not Enough”
At first, they:
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Compliment you constantly
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Make you feel like the only one
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Put you on a pedestal
Then slowly…
That energy fades.
Less compliments.
Less affection.
Less effort.
You start trying harder to get that version of them back.
And that’s where they gain control.
6. Encouraging Dependency
Sharing vulnerability should build trust.
But manipulators use it as leverage.
You open up… and they
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Remember everything
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Use it against yourself.
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Bring it up during arguments
Over time, you start to feel the following:
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Unstable
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Dependent
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Like you need them to feel whole
That’s control.
7. Normalizing Manipulative Behavior
At first, their behaviour bothers you.
But over time, you get used to it.
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Cancelling plans at the last minute
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Controlling your time
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Avoiding accountability
These things once felt wrong…
But now? You brush them off.
Because you’re focused on the good moments.
8. Conditional Love
Instead of consistent love, you get:
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Praise when you’re “good”
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Silence when you’re “bad”
So you start:
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Avoiding conflict
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Saying the “right” things
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Trying to please them
You slowly lose yourself trying to earn their approval.
9. Playing the Victim
When you call them out, they flip the script.
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“I would never do that.”
Now, instead of resolving the issue…
You’re questioning whether you should even be upset.
10. Withholding Love
When all these tactics combine, you start to feel the following:
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Emotionally dependent
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Constantly seeking validation
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Like, you can’t function without them
That’s not love.
That’s control.
You Didn’t Notice Because…
You’re probably thinking:
“How did I not see this?”
But hear me out.
You didn’t see it because it didn’t start badly.
It started with:
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Laughter
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Deep conversations
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Strong connections
Manipulators know exactly what they’re doing.
They ease you into it.
How Narcissistic Manipulation Affects You
Over time, you start to:
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Doubt yourself
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Feel anxious
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Lose confidence
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Feel emotionally drained
And sometimes… You don’t even realise how much you’ve changed.
How to Protect Yourself
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Recognize patterns
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Trust your intuition
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Stop making excuses
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Set and enforce boundaries
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Ask for clarity
Healthy relationships don’t make you question your worth.
Final Thoughts
Manipulation is subtle.
That’s why it’s dangerous.
But once you understand how it works, you start to see it clearly.
And instead of questioning yourself…
You start questioning their behaviour.
That’s how you protect your peace.
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