Benjamin Otu EffiwattOk, hear me out. If I’m being honest, admitting that something doesn’t feel right in your relationship is one of the hardest things to do. Especially when it didn’t start that way. You remember how it began:
Everything was AMAZING. Consuming. Impossible not to fall for. But then, as time passes, you become more and more confused. What’s wrong with me? Why do I react this way? Am I crazy? Should I just suck it up? Oh my god, WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS ABOUT HIM?!
Listen.
If you can relate to any of the things mentioned below, IT’S NOT YOU. You’re dating a narcissist if he does this:
How It Usually Starts
Consuming. Impossible not to fall for. Oh, so intense.
Remember the first couple of weeks or months when you met him? He probably
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Talked about you non-stop.
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Made you feel so special right away.
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Seemed genuinely interested in learning everything about you.
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Connected with you instantly.
And you felt:
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Seen.
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Validated.
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Like you FINALLY found someone real.
BUT… The Craziness After He “Locks You In”
1. Everything Always Comes Back to Him
You don’t notice it immediately, but as time goes on, you begin to see the following:
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Most conversations lead back to him.
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Your experiences become secondary to his.
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He never celebrates your accomplishments the way you celebrate his.
You talk about your day, or something that happened to you, and before you know it, it becomes about him.
You feel:
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Dismissed.
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Ignored.
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Less than.
It’s not a huge deal every time it happens, but it happens often.
2. He Begins to Invalidate Your Feelings (Slyly)
He won’t outright say your feelings don’t matter. Instead, he says things like the following:
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“You’re overreacting.”
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“You’re blowing this way out of proportion.”
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“You always think the worst!”
At first, it doesn’t feel like emotional abuse. It kind of feels like he’s trying to comfort you or help you calm down.
But as time goes on, you find yourself
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Questioning your emotions.
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Silencing how you feel.
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Wondering if you react too strongly all the time.
See where this is going?
3. He Is Only Sweet When He Wants Something
One minute, he’s sweet, cuddly, and full of love words.
Next, he goes cold and distant and disappears for days.
You try to figure out WHY you aren’t good enough.
What did YOU do? Why are you suddenly being punished?
The crazy part? It doesn’t have to do with you at all.
It’s conditional.
4. He Rarely Takes Accountability
Instead of saying:
“I’m sorry, I did this. How are you feeling?”
He says things like:
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“That’s not what I meant.”
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“You misunderstood me.”
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“You’re reading too much into this.”
Pretty soon, you’re not trying to solve the problem—you’re just trying to defend yourself.
5. You Begin to Feel Like There’s Something Wrong with YOU
One cheat sheet said:
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“Do you apologise more than he does?”
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“Do you question your thoughts more than he does?”
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“Do you feel like you are ‘too much’ more often than he does?”
If you answered YES to any of these, you could very likely be dating a narcissist.
You begin to feel LESS AND LESS like yourself because you’re constantly
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Second-guessing your actions.
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Questioning how you feel.
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Apologising for no reason.
Healthy relationships are about both people feeling secure. Constantly feeling like you’re “too much” or unsure where you stand? That’s a red flag. This is about control.
6. He Throws Everything You Tell Him About Yourself in Your Face
YOU told him. Remember?
All of your insecurities, fears, and past experiences—he stored them for the perfect moment to USE against you.
Examples:
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He knows your past messed you up, so during an argument, he brings up every past relationship you’ve had.
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He knows you struggle with your self-image, so he calls you “fat”.
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He knows you fear abandonment, so he constantly pushes your buttons by saying he doesn’t need you or loves you less if you don’t cater to his needs.
Yes, these are small examples, but what happens when someone knows EXACTLY how to trigger you and uses it against you? That’s narcissistic.
7. He Gives You Mixed Signals
You never know where you stand.
One day, he’s all love, baby talks, and future planning.
Next, he ignores your texts.
You hang on to the good moments too long, chalking it up to him being busy or nervous…until he does it AGAIN.
8. He Finds Manipulative Ways to Micro-Control Your Life
At first, it doesn’t feel controlling. He says things like:
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“I would just… if I were you.”
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“Oh, you should probably do it this way.”
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“I only say that because I love you and care about you.”
But as time goes on:
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You question EVERYTHING you do or want to do.
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You start needing his approval on EVERYTHING.
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You become someone new just to please him and keep the peace.
9. He Makes You Feel Like You Have to Earn His Love
Love shouldn’t feel like a battle.
You shouldn’t feel like you have to prove yourself to someone you love.
If you constantly feel like you have to:
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Say the right things.
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Avoid annoying him.
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“Get it right.”
Then you deserve someone who loves you for YOU—flaws and all.
10. You Feel More Drained than Fulfilled
This is one of the BIGGEST red flags.
Ask yourself: How do I feel most of the time around him?
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Tired
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Confused
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Emotionally drained
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Uncertain
You deserve better. A relationship can be hard, yes—but you should feel fed when you’re with him, not depleted.
Why Walking Away Is So Difficult
I wish I had a straight answer for you.
I could say it’s because you don’t see the red flags—but that’s not always true.
I stayed because I loved him.
I felt bad for how he’d react after I left.
I wanted things to go back to the way they were when we first started dating.
Trust me. We all want our relationships to work.
But they don’t always, because people don’t always CHANGE.
Patterns are harder to ignore than potential.
How It Affects You Emotionally
Letting someone who doesn’t value you treat you this way DOES affect you.
You may start to
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Question yourself.
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Feel anxious.
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Lose confidence.
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Feel emotionally burnt out.
Sometimes you don’t even realise how far gone you are until you take a step back.
What You Can Do Today
If you found yourself checking off a lot of these boxes, DON’T IGNORE THAT!
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Listen to your gut. If someone CONSTANTLY makes you feel “off”, they probably always will.
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Quit forgiving the same behaviour over and over. One mistake is one thing, but repeated behaviour is different.
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Set boundaries…and STICK TO THEM. You shouldn’t feel guilty for putting your needs first.
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Talk to someone you trust. Sometimes it takes another perspective to shine a light on your situation.
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Choose YOU. Your mental and emotional well-being should ALWAYS be a priority.
Hell, you should be your NUMBER ONE.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Relationships should make you feel safe, supported, and secure.
They shouldn’t make you question yourself or your feelings.
If you constantly
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Check yourself around him
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Alter your behaviour to keep the peace
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You never know where you stand
You’re dating a narcissist IF HE DOES THIS.
Until you recognise that, you may accept this behaviour because you think you’re “not good enough”.
But YOU ARE.
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