Benjamin Otu EffiwattLoving someone who does not love you back is heartbreak waiting to happen. What makes it worse is when that person knows exactly what to say and do to keep you around. He can show up at your door with flowers then disappear for weeks.
Tell you he loves you one moment and ignore your calls the next. He can make you feel so sure of yourself one day, and the next you begin to question if any of it was ever real. If something has been bothering you about your relationship lately, your instincts are trying to tell you something.
Knowing the Signs He Is Pretending to Love You
Love is much more than a feeling deep down inside. It is something you choose and then prove with your actions, consistency, and how you treat that person when there is nobody around. When a man pretends to love you, it never plays out like a movie. There are no glaring red flags flying all over the place. It’s more subtle than that. Most times it just feels like a pile of small things that when looked at separately you can make excuses for but together tell a very clear story.
When men pretend to love someone, it’s typically out of convenience. He may like having you in his life. He could benefit from having you as his girlfriend emotionally or physically, or he simply doesn’t want to deal with the trouble of breaking up with you. Whatever his reasons are for not letting you go, the outcome is the same: you’re giving someone your heart while he is standing right there letting you.
Understanding Why It’s Hard To See
The cruel irony of this situation is that when you are in the thick of it, it’s one of the hardest things to see. When you love someone your brain wants to believe they love you too. It highlights all the moments that prove you’re right and blows off the ones that don’t.
Our brain will even come up with excuses for why the other stuff is happening so we can continue to feel happy and loved. That isn’t weakness, that’s just love. But those signs will eventually pile up and you will no longer be able to ignore them.
1.His Words Do Not Match His Actions
He says he loves you but his actions say otherwise. He says you are a priority but you’re always at the bottom of his list. He says he will be there but never shows. Start paying attention to the words that come out of his mouth versus what he actually does. When a man truly loves you, he does not just say the things you want to hear — he shows up and proves it.
2.You Feel Like You Have To Chase Him
Healthy relationships have two people reaching for each other. If you have to consistently initiate the phone calls, texts, plans, and conversations then you are doing most of the chasing. When a man truly wants you he thinks about you and, more importantly, he acts on it. If you stopped reaching out to him tomorrow, would he notice? Would he reach back to you?
3.He Is Emotionally Unavailable
Love cannot exist with emotional unavailability. If he has always made you feel as if you are too much for sitting around him when you get vulnerable, avoids you when the conversations get real, or makes you feel guilty for wanting emotional intimacy, he is not showing up for you. When a man truly loves you, he wants to know everything about you, even the ugly parts.
4.He Has Never Labeled Your Relationship
If you’ve been with him for months or even years and he still refuses to label your relationship, will not introduce you as his girlfriend, or say anything official about what you are to him, that means something. Men in love want the entire world to know. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard excuses for why he doesn’t want to label things. If he loves you, he will make it known.
5.Your Needs Are Never Met
In a loving relationship both partners’ needs are important and should be met. Let’s say you have made your needs known — whether they are quality time, affection, communication, sex, or emotional support — and he continues to go out of his way to avoid them with no effort to change. That speaks volumes about how he feels about you. When a man truly loves you, he cares about whether or not you feel loved.
6.He Only Appears When It Benefits Him
Start paying attention to the time he actually spends with you versus when he disappears. If all you ever see of him is when he wants something from you — companionship, sex, help — but never when you need him, then this relationship is serving him way more than it serves you. Love is not selfish enough to only show up when it benefits one person.
7.He Refuses To Discuss the Future
When a man loves you he will never drop hints about how you two will never work or you not being in his future. He will talk about all the places you guys can go and things you can do. He will make you feel as if you have a future together. If he never brings up the future or seems uncomfortable when you do, that is because he does not see you factoring into his.
8.Something Feels Off but You Can’t Put Your Finger on It
You know that feeling in your gut when something just doesn’t feel right? When he is around and you can’t explain why, but all you know is that he is not in love with you? Don’t ignore those feelings. When you really love someone, your gut does not trick you like that. If he pretends to love you, your intuition will tell you because your subconscious notices things long before your conscious mind does. You would be crazy not to listen.
9.He Never Fights for You
All relationships go through bad patches, but how he handles them when they arise says a lot about his love for you. If he pulled away emotionally or became cold once things between you two got tough, that tells you everything you need to know. When a man really loves you, he will fight for you. He will care enough to have hard conversations and work on things with you.
10.He Makes You Feel Alone When You’re Together
There is nothing more lonely than feeling lonely in a relationship. If you feel as if you have to drag every detail out of him, always feel invisible to him, or never feel understood when you are together, something is wrong. You should feel closest to the person who claims to love you more than anyone else. If you feel lonely even when you’re with him, dig deeper.
Let’s Face the Facts
One of the biggest reasons women question themselves in situations like these is because he has made her feel like she was the one. He tells her how she feels, when she should trust him, and what she needs to work on. Guys are good at that stuff. If you took anything away from this post, let it be this: facts do not lie, people do.
Stop listening to him and start listening to the reality of your situation. You deserve someone who shows up for you both when it is convenient and when it’s not. You deserve to not have to question whether he loves you or not. You deserve to feel safe, loved, and understood. You know your situation best, trust your instincts and do what makes YOU happy.
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