Benjamin Otu EffiwattWe all know the type. The man who seems absolutely perfect when you’re dating him. He is thoughtful, romantic, hard to forget about when you’re not together — and then something changes after you get married. He who was pulling off cute surprises and texting you good morning every day suddenly becomes a stranger in your home.
You wonder why he changed. Why the man who was so amazing to date is no longer interested in acting like your partner. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why your husband can’t be more like your boyfriend used to be, it’s time to stop blaming yourself. The missing piece of the puzzle isn’t you, it’s him.
Why Great Boyfriends Make Terrible Husbands
Dating versus marriage is the difference between puppies and full-grown dogs. When you’re dating someone, you’re both trying. There’s an element of performance on both ends. You show up on time, you listen to his stories, you’re affectionate. He does the same. Because at this stage in the relationship, you both have everything to lose by not trying.
When you’re married, there is no more trying. There are bills to pay, dishes to do, deadlines to meet. Some people wake up all of a sudden and realize their sweetheart isn’t quite equipped to deal with grown-up life. He can be charming, strong, and confident in the dating world and utterly terrified and emotionally incompetent when it comes to taking that next step.
Here are your reasons:
1.He Loves The Hunt More Than You
Let’s start with the obvious. Some men are simply big game hunters. The entire idea of pursuing someone fills them up. They thrive on wooing, flirting, texting, and trying to get you to notice them. So when they finally succeed, what’s the point of that behavior? There is no one left to impress.
A husband knows that marriage is an unending journey that takes work. Partners who live for the chase often abandon their partner emotionally and romantically once the chase is over because marriage becomes a lot less exciting when there is no one left to impress.
2.He Mistakes Romance For Love
This goes hand in hand with the guy who lives for the chase. He loves all the shiny new things about dating you. But that’s not love. Love is showing up when there are no sparks. Love is fighting fair. Love is carrying your share of the weight.
Romantic dinners, dance dates, surprises, gifts — those are ways to express love, but they aren’t foundational components of love. Anyone can be romantic when it matters to them. You want a man who loves you enough to be romantic when it doesn’t matter, too — when you fight, during stressful seasons, and when the honeymoon phase is long over.
3.He’s Only Ever Been There For You On The Surface
When most people think of emotionally unavailable men, they picture men who refuse to open up or be vulnerable. While that’s one kind of emotional unavailability, it’s not the only kind. Some men appear emotionally available when they are dating you but aren’t really there for you on a deeper level.
They don’t make themselves vulnerable or ask the tough questions because they are afraid of what they’ll discover. Beneath the surface, they have worked hard to construct walls that prevent you from seeing who they really are when under stress or dealing with insecurities. Once you become his wife and those things come up, he retreats behind those walls.
4.He Doesn’t Know How To Share Authority
Think about how many decisions you make on your own when you first start dating someone. Where to go for dinner? What movie to see? Which activity to do on the weekend? Who pays for what? You don’t have to share your thoughts or analyze every little thing with someone you’ve just met.
But marriage turns that concept on its head. All of a sudden you have to share decision-making on big topics — kids, money, housing, in-laws — and small ones, like how to spend your time together and how to divide chores and responsibilities. If a man has been handed everything his whole life, he might not know how to share power with you when it matters.
5.He Views Marriage As A Destination, Not A Journey
Men who suck as husbands but were great in the relationship before often view marriage as something you arrive at. They work hard to get you into a relationship, they work hard to get you to say yes when they propose, and they work hard to have a great wedding. But what happens after the wedding?
This is the guy who mentally checks out once you say “I do.” He got you — now it’s time to enjoy the rewards. Women want a man who views marriage as a journey. Someone who knows the work and joy is in the little moments spent building a life together — not just crossing the finish line.
6.He’s Avoiding His Shadow Self
When dating most guys, you only see their best self. The side of him that loves talking about goals, dreams, travel, and passions. But eventually cracks begin to show and you see who he really is when no one is watching. His shadow self.
Every person has a shadow self: the one they hide when putting on a face for the world. Parts of himself he may be ignoring or refusing to deal with. Some examples of a husband avoiding his shadow self include men who haven’t healed from childhood trauma, men with fearful attachment styles, or men who simply don’t know how to be emotionally intelligent in relationships.
7.He Relates To Relationships Transactionally
Nothing will kill your relationship faster than a man who operates transactionally when it comes to romance and relationships. This is when a man only gives you love, attention, affection, time, and energy when he feels like he’s getting what he wants in return.
So what happens when you stop giving him what he wants? Suddenly he’s withdrawing affection, attention, and care — and you’re left wondering where the boyfriend you fell in love with went. Transactional men are only great in relationships when they want something or when they know you’re not going anywhere.
8.He Doesn’t Know How To Be An Actual Partner
Men who treat you poorly in marriage but were great during your relationship probably didn’t view you as their equal when you were dating. They loved the idea of a partner, but were they showing up in the day-to-day realities of what that actually means?
For men who didn’t grow up with strong female figures or examples of healthy partnership, marriage exposes the fact that they don’t know how to treat their partner as an equal. They might not even realize it until they’re living with you day in and day out.
9.He Learned How To Date, Not How To Be Married
It takes a lifetime to know yourself and your natural tendencies in relationships. And if he was taught how to be a partner by parents who either fought nonstop or were divorced, he might not have a great example of what a healthy marriage should look like.
We’ve all dated that guy who is incredible at the wooing and chasing parts of a relationship but falls flat when you ask him to be mature and vulnerable with you. If he only knows how to date, he will struggle as your husband.
What This Means For You
Dating can be confusing, and sometimes you need someone to lay it out plain and simple for you. If a man is fantastic to you when you’re dating but disappears when you get married, he probably fell into one or more of these nine categories. He didn’t try to deceive you — he simply never had to practice putting in the real work to be a great partner.
Pay attention to how he treats you when things aren’t peachy keen. Call out the behaviors you don’t want in a forever partner early on so you can determine whether he is willing to do the work necessary to change. If he thrives on chasing you, he’ll run at the first sign of trouble. If he only knows how to date, he’ll revert to chasing habits when the going gets tough.
Red Flags To Watch For While Dating:
- Pulls away when you talk about the future or things start getting serious.
- Disappears when things aren’t perfect between the two of you.
- Avoids big talks about money, kids, or values.
- Rarely, if ever, takes accountability for his mistakes.
- Has never been in a long-term relationship, or all of his relationships have ended poorly with him blaming his ex.
- All he does is date you. He never makes plans that aren’t centered around getting to know you better.
- Gets defensive when you bring up your feelings.
What This Means For You
Simply because your boyfriend won’t make a great husband doesn’t mean he’s a terrible person or doomed for relationship failure. But he does need to realize that someday you both might want to take your relationship to the next level.
A good boyfriend can be easy to come by. A good husband? Now that’s someone worth fighting for.
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