Benjamin Otu EffiwattThere are a lot of conversations mothers hope to have with their daughters. The talk. About boys. Relationships. Sex. Consent. But more important than all of those — the conversation that parents everywhere hope for but too many girls never receive. Not the cringe-y birds and the bees lecture.
I’m talking about the REAL talk. The talk where you explain to your daughter what to look for in a partner. What red flags are. How to spot toxic behaviors. And how you should never, ever sacrifice your peace of mind for love. If you’re a mom to a girl. If you have a niece, sister, or granddaughter.
Better Late Than Never, RIGHT? ?
Used to be that daughters would overhear bits and pieces of dating advice from their mothers. A warning about this. A bit of wisdom about that. Problem is, girls can only put together so many puzzle pieces before they find themselves in a situation they’re not prepared for.
They need the full picture. They need to hear this stuff from you TO them. And they need it before they need it. Asking for patience? Great. Here’s some patience.
Why Now?
Schools should be teaching kids about healthy relationships. Wait, what? Social media shouldn’t be where they learn about sex and dating either. But alas, it kind of is. They’re picking up mixed signals instead. That love should feel magical. Soon they’ll hear that love should hurt.
That you have to swear off all other guys to prove you’re committed. That jealousy is flattery. Newsflash: these things aren’t cute. They’re harmful. The sooner we normalize talking openly about dating (what’s healthy, what’s not, and what everyone deserves in a relationship) the better off our girls will be when they find themselves in real life situations. Like waiting until your daughter is already in a relationship and ignoring all your warnings to teach her what a toxic partner looks like.
Self-Worth 101
Before we dive into the list of lessons every woman should teach her girls about dating, let’s back up for a sec. There’s one thing that every girl needs to understand before she can successfully apply any of what we’re about to talk about. Self-Worth.
A girl with a firm understanding of her value will: Not stay with a boy who makes her feel less than. Reject any treatment she wouldn’t want to be subjected to herself. Not shrink herself small in order to please her partner. Understanding and maintaining your self-worth is NOT the same thing as being arrogant or thinking you’re better than everyone else. It’s knowing that you, yes you, are worthy of being treated with kindness, honesty, and respect.
What Every Woman Should Teach Her Girls About Dating
Don’t settle just because you think he’s great
Teach your girl that her standards are NOT too high. Yes, she wants someone who is kind, reliable, honest, and emotionally available. And THAT IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR. Someone who doesn’t treat her the way she deserves to be treated doesn’t deserve her time, period.
Little things matter. A LOT.
Actions on a random Wednesday mean more than grand romantic gestures made up for lost time. Teach your girl to look for consistency. Does he follow through on what he says he’s going to do? Does she offer support when you’re having a tough week? Is he the same in private as he is in front of others? People show you how much they care about you when wins aren’t happening. Guaranteed.
Observed how he treats others? LOL nope.
How he talks about his mom when she’s not around. How she spoke to the waiter. How he talks about his ex-girlfriends. Listen to how your girl’s partner treats people who can’t do anything for them. Servers, strangers on the street, friends. You get the idea. It tells you everything about their character.
If something feels off, trust yourself.
Red flags aren’t puzzles to figure out. They’re your girl telling you that something just isn’t right. Teach her that she isn’t responsible for fixing, understanding, or excusing red flags. Nor does she have to try to earn them away. She can simply walk away. Here are some red flags to look out for: Infantilism: speaking to her like she can’t understand complex topics or stripping her of her autonomy. He says things will get better, but fails to take action or refuses to acknowledge the problem. Excuses for hurtful behavior. “Oh, I would never do that to you on purpose.” Big red flag. Jealousy ≠ love
Ta-da! Just for you.
We do a TERRIBLE job of letting girls know that jealousy and love are two different things. Please don’t let her accept excuses like “if he loved me he would be jealous.” Nope. Not true. Jealousy isn’t love, it’s insecurity. And in extreme cases, it’s a form of control. A boyfriend should respect the privacy of her phone and possessions. He shouldn’t accuse her of cheating when she spends time with her friends, or guilt her into cancelling plans to spend time with him. Teach your girl that true love trusts you. Jealous behavior is not acceptable and needs to be addressed.
There is no rush.
Relationships don’t need to be earned by checking off boxes. She can be single at 25. Or 35. Or wait as long as she wants to find the right person. Teach her that taking things slow — with the right person or even while she’s just figuring stuff out for herself — is something to be proud of, not something to be anxious about.
When you first meet someone matters.
Does she feel like she can be herself around him? Or does she feel like she already needs to censor parts of herself that he might not like? Is he persistent but respectful of her boundaries, or is he giving her the creeps? Relationships that start with abuse (controlling behavior, pressure, guilt) rarely turn into healthy ones later on. If it’s bad in the beginning, nine times out of ten it won’t magically get better.
Being single is better than being with the wrong person
This is a hard pill for any girl to swallow. But an important one. Our society makes us feel like being single is the worst thing that could possibly happen to us. Like we’re just one guy away from being whole. Newsflash. No one is complete until THEY decide they’re complete. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking your time, enjoying your friends and family, and spending some time alone with yourself. She can be single forever and be just fine. The wrong relationship will only rob her of that.
Love shouldn’t cost you peace of mind.
If your girl comes to you crying because her boyfriend did X, Y, Z but she doesn’t want to lose him — that’s a problem. If she has to walk on eggshells around her partner. If she’s constantly over-explaining her relationship to the people who love her. If she isn’t allowed to feel her feelings without her partner claiming she should feel otherwise — IT’S NOT WORTH IT. She deserves a relationship where she can feel calm and secure.
YOU GOT THIS
I know how hard parenting is. Between the bad days, sleepless nights, and ground-in-your-face tantrums. Sometimes it can feel nearly impossible to build up the courage to have “the talk.” Don’t stress about having it all put together. Have some conversations and not others. Your daughter will pick up on what you teach her when she’s young AND the things you teach her when she’s older. She’s watching and listening always.
Trust that the relationships you build with the girls in your life now will lead to them coming to you when they need guidance in the future. So do your best. Love her fiercely. And remind her as often as you can that she is worthy of love that lifts her up, not tears her down.
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