Benjamin Otu EffiwattThe silence between two people who should have walked away months or years ago is thick. It’s not comfortable like the silence between two people in love. It’s burdened, heavy. Lifeless. When I started researching this article, I talked to people who knew what I was describing. I read stories about it online. Watched it happen to married people who woke up every morning, put one foot in front of the other, and went to a place where their heart no longer was.
So you’ve stumbled upon this article — chances are because your intuition is screaming at you that you and your partner are in that place right now. You know your marriage is over but you’re both pretending it’s not. You force yourself through the motions each day with that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach growing stronger by the minute.
Why Married Couples Pretend When They Should Let Go
Before we get into the signs, let’s talk about why. I want to be very clear that choosing to stay in a marriage that’s falling apart is neither weakness nor stupidity. It’s as human as anything we do. There’s history. There are kids, finances, friends, families, and social expectations — not to mention decades of identity tied up in the idea of you and your spouse.
Walking away from that, or even admitting your marriage is falling apart, feels like ripping your life apart, not just a relationship.
So we don’t. Partners in bad marriages learn how to coexist. They learn to make schedules, attend family functions, throw birthday parties, and tell everyone their marriage is great. They do it day after day, year after year, because the alternative terrifies them.
Except it doesn’t protect you. Really.
Signs Your Marriage Is Falling Apart But You’re Ignoring It
1.You’ve Stopped Fighting — And Not In A Good Way
Many people assume that if a married couple stops fighting, things have settled down. There is a distinct difference between a couple who has learned to navigate their issues without throwing punches and a couple that stopped caring enough to argue.
Ceasing to fight because you no longer believe anything will improve is resignation. It’s acknowledging that you gave your all and it wasn’t enough. The second you realize arguments don’t get heated because you two no longer care enough to stand your ground — you know.
2.Physical Intimacy Has Fallen By The Wayside
I’m not talking about sex, necessarily — although that’s part of it. I’m talking about holding hands. Brushing arms. Kissing before you leave for work. Sitting close on the couch. Small touches that say, “I love you — you’re mine.”
Physical intimacy is hard-wired into us as a way of connecting. When two people who used to touch anywhere and everywhere become roommates who share a bed begrudgingly, that emotional distance becomes physical.
3.You Don’t Share Secrets — Big Or Small — Anymore
There’s a difference between giving each other space and giving each other nothing. When your spouse used to be your go-to person for big news and you’re suddenly sharing less and less — something’s up.
Maybe you’re not telling them about the new job you started. Or that you joined a weekly bowling league. Or that you opened up a line of credit your partner doesn’t know about. Whatever it is, the point is you feel zero discomfort about keeping secrets from your spouse and you don’t even realize it.
Dreams you have no intention of sharing with them.
4.The Future No Longer Includes Plans For “Us”
Listen to yourself when you’re thinking about the future. Daydreaming. Making plans. When you picture yourself one year from now or ten years from now, are they part of the picture?
I’m not talking about a when-we-die kind of way. I mean, when you envision your future, does it include your partner?
When one person in a relationship is checked out, plans stop being made together. You start plotting your own course forward and your partner does the same. Dreams diverge because the life you are building sits squarely on only one of your shoulders.
5.You Feel More Like Roommates Than Spouses
This might be the biggest telltale sign something is wrong — when you and your spouse can go days without feeling anything other than the obligations you force yourself to meet.
You start to function as a unit because you have to — kids, rent, bills. You schedule your lives around each other and forget to be partners.
The affection is gone. The jokes. The feeling of being a team. You still love each other. But you don’t love like you used to.
6.You Start Dreaming About Life Alone
There’s a reason the phrase “cheated with the idea of someone else” exists. We all wonder what life would be like without our partners sometimes — it’s perfectly normal. But what’s not normal is making a habit of looking for reasons to feel relieved when you do.
When you find yourself imagining your own place, your own routines, your own bed without them — and it brings you more relief than sorrow — start paying attention.
7.You And Your Spouse Are Living Two Separate Lives
Your kids, your mortgage, what will people think, the years you’ve already invested. Insert any reason you can think of for why you’ve stayed together when you know you should have left years ago.
Listen — I get it. All of these are valid reasons for not walking away from a marriage. But if you take away one thing from this article, let it be this:
Staying for reasons that don’t include your partner is not the same thing as choosing them. When you decide to stay because the alternatives scare you more than being unhappy — you stop being partners. You become roommates, comfortably coexisting in a life I refer to as “the survival marriage.”
You know the one.
Should You Pretend Or Let Go Of A Failing Marriage?
Me talking about whether or not you should stay in your marriage is about as useful as you trying to talk yourself out of what your heart is telling you. But here’s what I will say:
If you read this and nodded along at every point, that doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. But it does mean you both have work to do.
Some people salvage their love out of marriages like this — with therapy, really digging into the painful stuff, and most importantly, wanting to be there for each other again.
If you and your spouse both want that, couples counseling works. But you both have to be committed.
Pretending You’re Still Married
Trust your gut. At the end of the day, no one knows you and your spouse like you do. If you feel like you need to force yourself through your marriage one more day, dig deeper. Seek help. But don’t pretend that staying for reasons other than love is okay.
Do yourself — and your spouse — the favor of acknowledging that pretending isn’t living. Even if that means facing the music and realizing your marriage truly is over.
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