Benjamin Otu EffiwattThey look like love. They come wrapped up in good intentions and a damn charming smile. But there is a difference between a partner who supports you and one who slowly chips away at the parts of your life that were always meant to stay yours.
This isn’t selfish. This isn’t about being rude or pushing away good-hearted gestures. This is about knowing your worth and understanding which areas of your life you should always keep in your own hands, even when you trust someone completely. Because when you let a man take something that belongs to you, you’re not just giving away a task. You’re giving away a piece of your independence, and that is not easy to earn back.
Manage Your Finances
There is nothing sexy about having no idea how much money you have in your bank account. When your partner controls your finances, pays all the bills without you ever seeing the numbers, or makes money while you “just spend what he provides,” that’s not being generous. That is him exercising control with a pretty bow on top.
You should always know your financial standing at all times. Where your money goes. What you owe. What you own. What you’re saving for. There is no exception to this rule, even in long-term partnerships and marriages. Yes, couples should absolutely share finances, but they should never share to the point that you lose track of what’s yours.
The women who allow themselves to become financially illiterate in relationships are the same ones who feel trapped if things end. Don’t let your significant other be your keeper. Maintain your own accounts. Open your own credit card. Have a stash of money that you know is yours alone.
Be Your Only Source of Emotional Support
Lean on your partner. By all means, pour your heart out to him when you need to. But if you have no one else, if he’s the only person you confide in about everything, you’re putting all of your eggs in one emotionally fragile basket.
While you should always choose a good man, you should not choose him at the expense of your other relationships. When your partner becomes your world, you stop investing in the friendships you had before him. You begin molding your emotions around his reactions and schedule. You tie your happiness to how he’s feeling that day, and whether or not he chooses to support you. And then one day, he doesn’t. Either because he doesn’t care enough to, or because something happens to him and he can’t. And if he is your only support, you’ll have nothing.
Every healthy relationship should be built around an already fulfilling life, not used as a substitute for one. Maintain your friendships. Keep strong ties with family. See a therapist if talking to friends doesn’t help. Allow your partner to be an important part of your support system, but not the defining one.
Define The Rules For You
This one is subtle. It starts out small enough that you probably won’t even notice until it’s too late.
He makes a negative remark about your outfit and you change it. He corrects how you speak to other people and you tone it down. He lets you know he doesn’t like it when you hang out without him, and suddenly you’re making excuses to stay home. Alone.
Your partner should never be the person defining how you speak, dress, socialize, work, or carry yourself in the world.
These things are yours. His job should be to love you for how you naturally are. Sure, he can offer advice and suggestions like anyone else, but he should never be quietly critiquing you until you’re molded into how he thinks you should be.
Be The One Who Decides What’s Best For You
This is somewhat similar to the last point but with bigger stakes.
Women tend to grow dependent over time in long-term relationships. We go from wife to shoulders to cry on without realizing how much power we’ve given away.
It starts small. “Where do you want to eat?” “Which apartment should we take?” “Do you like this car?” No duh, buddy. Of course, I’m picking what’s best for us. It becomes easy. It feels like you trust him to do what’s right by you. But then he wants to marry you and you freeze up at the idea because you no longer know what’s best for you.
Consulting your partner about big life decisions is healthy. Considering his needs in a relationship is expected. But letting him make decisions for you — that’s where you’ve gone too far.
Make sure you can say yes to something you know he’ll hate every now and then. Trust your gut. Your voice matters. Your opinion of what’s best for you is the only one that truly matters.
Tell Him He Can’t Decide Your Worth
This may be the most important lesson of all.
How you perceive your worth should not be dictated by your partner or any man you’re seeing. Your worth is not his responsibility, and you should not tie it to his ability to provide it for you every day.
Too many women date guys as though their value hangs in the balance. If he likes me, then I must be wonderful. If he leaves me, then I must have been worthless to keep.
You are not on trial every time you step out with a man. You have worth whether he realizes it or not, and even if he throws it in the trash every chance he gets. Understanding your value and clinging to it will keep you from becoming a try-hard who will do anything to keep a man by her side.
Learn what you bring to the table before you start dating anyone. Then, once you are in a relationship, continue to recognize it. The right man will notice it too. But more importantly, you will.
Closing Thoughts
Being vulnerable does not mean giving up pieces of yourself. Love should not cost you your independence, your voice, your bank account, or your identity. Relationships should be about two people growing together, not about one person dwindling away until there’s nothing left but a shell of who they used to be.
Use these five things as your foundation, not walls. Learn them, understand them, and maybe — just maybe — you’ll learn to love without losing yourself along the way.
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