If I’m being completely honest with you, one of the most pivotal moments in any toxic relationship occurs when things start to shift. When you’re not reacting like you used to, when you start pushing back. When you wake the f*ck up, that’s usually the point where everything changes.

So if you’ve ever wondered why someone behaves so beautifully one minute and then completely flips when you pull away or stand up for yourself… Then you NEED to understand what narcissists do when they start losing control.

Because let’s be honest—narcissistic behaviour feeds off control: emotional control and psychological control. Manipulative behaviours that influence how you think, feel, and react. So what happens when they feel like they’re losing that control? Well, their behavior doesn’t stay the same—it escalates.

Why Losing Control Completely Freaks Narcissists Out

Okay, so let’s take a step back for a second. For narcissists, control equals stability. They want you to:

• React the same way to their behaviours.

• Feel emotionally influenced by them

• Stay in a place where THEY are “on top”.

So when you:

• Say ‘no’ for the first time

• Stop explaining yourself

• Assertively stand your ground

• Hold them accountable for their actions

You take away that control.

And when they feel like they’re losing control, that’s when you’ll see a shift in their behaviour.

1. They Pump Up the Nice Behaviour (Again)

This is usually the very first thing you’ll notice. They instantly revert to being the “good version” of themselves. Out of nowhere, you see them:

• Being EXTRA sweet

• Giving you compliments

• Acting loving and attentive

• Trying to re-create the way things were when you first met

And it feels completely confusing.

You might even think things like the following:

• “What if this time things will be different?”

• “What if they’ve changed?”

But the truth is…

Instead of progressing and changing their bad behaviour, they’re doing everything they can to emotionally reel you back in.

2. They Begin Testing Your Boundaries

After they realise things are starting to shift, they’ll begin testing you.

Gently.

But they test you all the same.

You may find that they:

• Try to push against boundaries you’ve already laid down

• Make minor comments to gauge your reaction

• Try reconnecting with behaviours you’ve already called them out on

Basically, they sit back and watch you like a hawk.

Will you allow them to get away with the same behaviours as before?
Will you fall into old emotional patterns?

If you let them…

You’re back to square one.

3. They Become Warm, Then Cold — All of a Sudden

Another behaviour you’ll start to notice is their hot-and-cold act.

They may:

• Give you attention one minute and ghost you the next

• Be extra sweet, then suddenly rude

You never know which version of them you’re going to get.

And this inconsistency creates emotional turbulence.

You find yourself wondering:

• “Which version of them am I getting today?”

And that keeps you emotionally hooked.

4. They Play the Victim Card

But here’s the thing…

Instead of coming at you confidently like they used to, they flip the script.

You may see them:

• Act hurt

• Seem misunderstood

• Become quiet

Say things like:

• “You’ve changed.”

• “I don’t know what I did wrong.”

• “You’ve become so distant.”

This does two things:

• You stop calling out their behaviour and start consoling them

• You feel guilty instead of validated

And just like that—they regain emotional control.

5. They Try to Make You Question Yourself Again

At this point, many narcissists return to manipulative tactics.

You may notice they

• Dismiss your feelings

• Question your perspective

• Minimise what you say

Saying things like:

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “That didn’t even happen.”

• “You’re making this more complicated than it is.”

All for one reason:

To push you back into self-doubt.

And when you doubt yourself, you’re easier to control.

6. They Become More Critical

Now the criticism increases.

You may hear things like:

• “What’s wrong with the way I said that?”

• “Don’t you think I’ve been doing things right?”

• “I noticed you doing ___ and I don’t like that.”

They may even compare you to others.

Over time, this makes you:

• Feel insecure

• Feel small

• Question yourself

And shifts the focus away from them—back onto you.

7. They Try to Make You Emotionally Dependent Again

They may:

• Reach out more

• Have deep emotional conversations

• Remind you of the good times

It feels addictive.

Because it is.

The more emotionally attached you feel, the easier it is for them to regain control.

8. They Get Irritated When You Don’t React

If you:

• Stay calm

• Don’t react emotionally

• Hold your boundaries

Their behaviour becomes more obvious.

They become:

• Irritated

• Short with you

• Passive-aggressive

Why?

Because you’re no longer playing your role in their control dynamic.

9. They Guilt-Trip You

At this stage, guilt becomes their weapon.

They’ll say things like:

• “After everything I’ve done for you…”

• “You’re really going to treat me like this?”

You start to feel:

• Guilty

• Responsible

• Like you owe them something

But you don’t.

10. They Pull Away… Then Come Back

Some narcissists will:

• Withdraw completely

• Act like they don’t care

• Stop communicating

This makes you feel:

• Desperate

• Confused

But just when you start to detach…

They come back.

Sweet. Calm. Familiar.

And the cycle starts again.

Why These Behavioural Changes Feel So Intense

This phase is one of the most emotionally draining.

You see them act:

• Nice

• Cruel

• Immature

All at once.

And it makes you question everything.

But understanding this behaviour is how you stop being controlled by it.

What This Means for You

If you’re noticing these patterns, it means YOU have changed.

You’ve:

• Set boundaries

• Stopped reacting

• Started choosing yourself

And that’s powerful.

How to Stay Grounded During This Phase

1. Stay strong—your feelings are valid

2. Remember patterns, not moments

3. Stop over-explaining yourself

4. Trust how YOU feel

5. Protect your peace at all costs

The Emotional Impact on You

You may feel:

• Confused

• Drained

• Pulled in different directions

That’s normal.

But remember—this is THEIR behaviour, not your failure.

Final Thoughts

When narcissists start losing control, their behaviour exposes who they really are.

You see:

• Their inconsistency

• Their manipulation

• Their true patterns

But most importantly, you stop reacting.

You hold your ground.

And you choose yourself.

For the first time.

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Benjamin Otu Effiwatt

Benjamin Otu Effiwatt is the founder of Love With Standard, where he helps readers navigate modern relationships with clarity, self-worth, and emotional intelligence. Through deep research and real-life insight, he breaks down toxic patterns and narcissistic behaviors into practical guidance that empowers people to set boundaries, recognize red flags, and choose healthier love.

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