Benjamin Otu EffiwattYou’ve got the work friendship. You laugh, bitch, grab drinks, and unwind with this girl at work. Hell, she gets you in a way that few people do. Which is why you’ve been thinking about her lately. And wondering: Is she just a work friend? Or is this actually real?
It’s a more common question than you might realize. Work friends fill a weird spot in our lives. On one hand, they can feel like the closest thing we have to real friendship. We spend so much time together, going through Hell week after Hell week, that they may as well be family. On the other hand, a lot of workplace friendships fizzle out once one person leaves the job.
Your Brain Helped Me See the Difference Between a Work Friendship and a Real Friendship
What Qualifies As “Real” Friendship?
Before we dive into where your friendship falls, we need to understand why work friendships can feel so real to begin with. Work is where you spend more waking hours than anywhere else. You spend all day with these people, going through the same shit show together. So it’s only natural you’ll form some connections.
But closeness born out of proximity and shared stress isn’t the same thing as genuine connection. Oftentimes at work, you think you’re developing friendships but you’re really just bonding with people who make your commute to hell more bearable. You like her because she makes your day better. She likes you because you’re both stuck in the same hell. It’s not shallow. But it also isn’t necessarily a friendship that will stand the test of time.
True friendship will remain through any major change in circumstances. Hell, it probably solidified when circumstances were against you. Your job doesn’t define your relationship with your coworker. Her not being there won’t suddenly make your friendship evaporate.
Signs She Could Be More Than Your Work Friend
-You talk about more than just work.
No one likes small talk. If you find that the majority of your conversations aren’t just about the job, that’s a great sign. Maybe you talk about her weekend, your family, what shows you’re watching, life updates, etc. Work buddies will usually avoid getting too personal or letting conversations venture outside of work-related things.
-She checks in on you when you’re having a hard time.
Again, this doesn’t mean texting her “hope your presentation goes well!” Sending a message to see how she’s doing when you know she’s stressed is one thing. Asking your friend how her day was after you’ve noticed she’s been quiet for a few days is another.
-You’ve made plans to hang outside of work.
…and actually went through with them. I know, people love saying “let’s grab dinner!” and completely forgetting about it. But if you’ve had dinner or drinks or gone to a museum together and it didn’t feel forced, that’s a sign your workplace friendship is stronger than most.
-You’ve shared things with each other that you wouldn’t share at a team meeting.
Sure, you bitch about your boss in hushed tones, but do you share the parts of your life that don’t revolve around work with her? Does she share those things with you? It’s one thing to have a coworker you confide in and another to have a friend you actually open up to.
-She made the effort to keep in touch when you two weren’t in the same place.
If she got a new role or went remote or took a vacation and you two kept in contact through it, that matters. If your colleague moved desks and you still talk, that matters too. Work friends who are friends purely because of work usually don’t keep in touch when the daily contact isn’t there. Real friends do.
-You like her as a person, not just as your work friend.
Would you add her on Facebook if you ran into each other at the supermarket? Would you want to stay friends if you no longer worked together? If you can answer yes to those questions, you like her as more than just a coworker. This one’s important.
-There’s reciprocity.
She asks how you are and you ask how she is. She shows up for you and you show up for her. It doesn’t always feel like you’re the only one making an effort to maintain the friendship. That’s another key sign that someone genuinely values you.
Signs You’re Just Coworkers Who Like Each Other
-Small talk seems to be all you have in common.
You talk about work. A lot. Work dramas, work weekends, work events. It’s because work is something you both experience together on a day-to-day basis. But if you can never seem to find a subject to talk about other than the job, that could be why things never moved past two coworkers who like each other.
-She hasn’t made plans to hang outside of work.
Been friends for months? Years? Yet you’ve never had lunch that wasn’t before or after a meeting? That Thursday text has never actually turned into plans? If she wanted to be friends outside of work, she would have made the effort by now.
-The thought of leaving tomorrow and never talking to her again doesn’t upset you.
Imagine you quit on Friday. Would you and your coworker still be texting each other three months from now? If your gut response is probably not, then she may just be your work friend.
Your Take Home
There’s nothing wrong with having work friends. But there’s nothing innately meaningful about them either. Some people come into our lives at certain points simply because of where we’re at in life. That doesn’t mean they weren’t wonderful to you during that time. They were just there for a season, not a lifetime.
If you want a friend who will stick around after you’ve moved on, pay attention to the signs above. Does she reach out when you’re not at work? Do you talk about more than the job? Could you still be friends if you weren’t coworkers? If you answered yes to those questions, you might have something special.
If you answered no — well, at least you worked with someone awesome and had a friendship that helped you through your time at that job. That’s something worth celebrating too.
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