Benjamin Otu EffiwattLong distance relationships suck. But they don’t have to kill your relationship.
Every day, millions of couples across the world wake up in a long distance relationship. Many of them choose each other every day after the initial decision is made. They learn to be more connected, more intentional, and often more in love than they were before the distance.
If you and your partner are navigating long distance, I want to acknowledge that. Yes, it sucks sometimes. But you’re not alone. You don’t have to figure it out by yourself. You can absolutely do this.
What Long Distance Really Tests (And What It Doesn’t)
Can you trust your partner when you’re in a long distance relationship? Sure. But more importantly, can you communicate with them? Can you be intentional about showing them you love them? Can you be emotionally mature about the relationship even when it’s hard?
Those are the real questions long distance forces you to answer. When you’re apart from your partner, every single moment you get to spend together is intentional. There’s no drifting together after work. There’s no lazy Sunday afternoon spent doing nothing but cuddling on the couch. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Building any successful relationship takes effort. Long distance forces you to be more transparent about how much you actually want to be with your partner. What long distance doesn’t do? Test your love.
The couples who cheat, fight, or shut each other out while miles apart are usually struggling before distance ever becomes a factor. But for the couples who stay connected long distance, trust is just a small piece of a much larger puzzle.
How to Build a Successful Long Distance Relationship
Long distance relationships are tough, but like any relationship, they can thrive on a foundation of solid, honest communication.
When you and your partner first start digging into the real logistics of being in a long distance relationship, there are a few conversations every strong couple has:
1.Love Languages Adapted for Distance
Everyone has a love language. The five love languages are:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Quality time
Physical touch
Receiving gifts
Just because you and your partner are in a long distance relationship doesn’t mean that those core love languages go away. It just means you have to find ways to stretch them across miles.
Maybe your partner’s love language is physical touch. That’s hard to navigate when you’re separated by hundreds of miles. But you can send long good morning voice notes, care packages with lotion that smells like you, or plan visits that give them something to look forward to.
One of you slipping up on the love language just because your relationship is long distance is like a relationship gas leak — small at first, but eventually deadly.
2.Communicate Expectations Early and Often
This cannot be stressed enough: how often do you need to hear from your partner to feel secure? Different couples have different answers to this question. Some folks need a few texts per day, maybe a voice note mid-week and a video date on the weekend. Others need more. Some need less. There’s no right number of calls or texts, but there is a right feeling of connectedness.
As uncomfortable as it might feel, one of you needs to broach the subject. “How often do you need to hear from me?” isn’t a needy question. It’s the first step toward an empathetic conversation about long distance relationships. Clinginess in long distance relationships almost always stems from one partner not communicating their needs to the other.
Bonus points: actually talk about how long distance makes you both feel on a regular basis. We all know that feelings change over time, even when they’re good feelings. Bringing them up while they’re still positive only sets you both up for success down the road.
3.Make Sure You Have a Plan
Every strong couple in a long distance relationship knows when the distance will end. Some have a move-in date planned out. Others can say “within the next year.”
Whatever you’re comfortable with is fine, but there needs to be an understanding that long distance isn’t forever. Standing vague promises of “we’ll figure it out” or “I want to be with you no matter where you live” won’t cut it.
An end date unknown is hard to mentally commit to. Having a timeline gives you both something to work toward. If you haven’t had the “where do you see this going?” conversation yet, now is a good time.
What Successful Couples in Long Distance Relationships Actually Do
Now it’s time for the fun stuff. There are endless things you can do to make your long distance relationship feel more connected.
Just remember that the goal here is to feel like a couple even when you’re living lives far apart. You can do that!
They Create Shared Spaces
It’s the 21st century. There are a million ways to share virtual space with your partner. Create a shared notes document where you leave each other voice notes. Make a private Instagram where you both share mundane stories of your day. Create a shared playlist on Spotify and take turns adding songs.
Find ways to help it feel like you have a tiny corner of the internet that’s just yours as a couple.
They Watch Movies and TV Shows Together
Put a movie on in sync and watch it while on a call. Use Netflix Party, WatchParty, or Teleparty to lock your video feeds to the same screen. Watch your favorite episodes of your favorite show at the same time while commenting in your chat.
Find ways to experience entertainment together even when you’re watching solo.
They Send Gifts, Voice Notes, and Smiley Faces Randomly
Surprise your partner with a gift they didn’t know they needed. A card in the mail, a random Amazon delivery, sending them their favorite snack — bonus points if it’s something that reminds them of you.
Relationships are strengthened by surprises, especially when you two are living miles apart.
They Date on Video Calls
Got Zoom? Good. Make regular date nights where you two both set aside time to connect, chat, and be present together. This is the closest you’ll get to dating like normal. Don’t just check in — actually date each other.
They Talk About the Future
Weekly. Biweekly. Monthly. However often you two choose to talk about the future, make it a thing.
Relationships are made of forward momentum. Talk about where you two see yourselves in five years. Dreams for being together. Places you want to travel. Plans for children. Goals for your relationship. Paint a picture of the future together.
They Support Each Other’s Local Lives
Fun fact: your partner having a life away from you isn’t a threat to your relationship.
One of the healthiest things you can do when in a long distance relationship is support your partner in their local life. Encourage them to make friends in their city. Take up hobbies they enjoy. Find a local gym they like going to. Laugh about how their other city has stolen their heart.
If you feel threatened by your partner having a social life away from you, you may want to explore that insecurity.
They Address Conflict Immediately
Long distance conflicts can feel like small annoyances — until they’ve marinated for a while. Bring up that issue you’re silently sitting on as soon as possible.
The longer you go without bringing up something that bothers you, the bigger a volcano it’ll become. Clear the air while it’s small, not after it’s exploded.
They Visit Each Other As Often As Possible
Visits don’t need to be long to be effective. Saving all your time together for flights across the country can burn a hole in your budget and leave you wanting more time together.
Every week that goes by without seeing your partner in person is a week you have to make up for with extra attention when you do see them. Take whatever vacation days you can, use squeeze days for weekends, and budget carefully to give each other visits when you can.
Trust me. It’s worth it.
They Don’t Skip the Big Dates
Birthdays. Anniversaries. Promotions at work. Your partner isn’t there to celebrate with you? That’s not acceptable. Send them something that can arrive by the date. Plan a longer-than-normal video call. You can even schedule a surprise delivery of their favorite meal to their doorstep.
Make the effort to celebrate big life milestones with each other. Your partner is worth it.
They’re Honest About Their Emotions
Long distance is hard. It’s lonely sometimes. If your partner comes to you and says they had a hard week and just want to talk, hear them.
Loneliness hits hard in long distance. Talk about how distance makes you feel often, and encourage your partner to do the same. Don’t simply say “I’m fine” when you’re not.
Managing the Lonely Times
Long distance relationships are hard. There will be moments that feel impossible. Missing your person doesn’t just hurt emotionally — it aches. It hurts your stomach. It sucks the color out of certain parts of your life.
I get it. I’ve been there more times than I care to count.
But you are not alone. You and your partner are a team weathering the same storm. Things will feel desperate, yes. But they will not last forever.
Here are some things that will help:
Stay Grounded In Your Home Life
Maybe you talk to your partner more than you talk to anyone else. But you’re not chained to your phone.
Have other hobbies. Spend time with friends locally. Invest in your career and your passions. You’re not half a couple because you live across the country from each other — you’re a whole person with a rich life who just so happens to be in love.
Name Jealousy When It Arises
“I feel jealous right now. I know that might seem stupid, funny, or trivial, but I’m just going to say it.”
Hold yourself accountable to your emotions. If jealousy tries to creep up, call it out. Your partner will thank you later.
Make Visits Worth the Wait
Make your time together count. Plan your days so you don’t just go home from your flight and crash. Get coffee and walk around the city. Plan a special night or two just because you can.
Physical contact drives your brain’s release of dopamine and serotonin. Make those visits special so you have something to look forward to when you get back home.
When Long Distance Is Not Working (And What to Do About It)
Is your long distance relationship struggling but you’re not sure why? Here’s how to recognize when your relationship is no longer healthy and what to do about it.
Ask yourself these questions:
Am I respected in this relationship?
Do we give equal effort?
Is there an understandable end in sight?
If you answered no to any of these questions, it may be time to reevaluate.
Long distance magnifies the problems in your relationship.
When one person is dragging their feet, long distance makes it harder for your partner to pursue you. When there is no respect, loneliness only allows that behavior to fester. When there is no end in sight, your partner may begin looking for one elsewhere.
These are all unfortunately common truths of long distance that people tend to ignore until it’s too late.
Long Distance Relationships Are Hard — But You Can Make It Work.
If you and your partner can honestly say yes to the questions above and stay committed to showing up for each other every day, you’re going to be just fine.
Long distance forces you to be a different kind of couple. You cannot afford to be lazy in your communication. At the same time, you can’t take your partner for granted when you see them every other month.
You have to choose each other every day. And if you do, the distance between you doesn’t matter.
You’ve got this.
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