Benjamin Otu Effiwattmodern dating can suck. swiping left and right, deciphering mixed signals, ambiguous situationships, trying to figure out what you even want in the first place… no wonder you’re tired before you’ve even gone on that first date.
But here’s the thing — modern dating doesn’t have to suck. Approached with intention and armed with the right tools, it can actually be fun.
Whether you’re brand new to the dating world, coming out of a long-term relationship (hello, butterfly! ), or you’ve been spinning your tires for way too long and want to start fresh, this guide is for you.
why modern dating feels like navigating a minefield
Dating has legitimately become more confusing over the years.
Yes, there are more fish in the sea with dating apps. But you’re also dealing with the paradox of choice, ghosting, breadcrumbing, and every other sad-making term for when people just vanish or never state their intentions clearly.
Technology doesn’t make it any easier. Through social media, you can see what someone’s doing, who they’re hanging out with, and whether they’ve been lurking on your profile for three weeks after you’ve been chatting through texting.
We’re giving ourselves way more opportunities to overthink every stupid little thing. And overthinking stuff doesn’t allow you to have fun.
But the biggest issue is that dating etiquette these days is weirdly unspoken. When do you define the relationship? What happens after three dates or 30? How do you actually tell someone what you’re looking for without worrying that you’ll scare them off by “wanting too much?”
How to actually enjoy modern dating starts with getting clear on what you want
If you find yourself going on date after date without any luck, it might be because you’re not exactly sure what you’re looking for.
Say you know you want a relationship. Big deal. What kind of relationship? What kind of person are you looking for to build that relationship with? What dynamic are you picturing?
A lot of times we say we want one thing without knowing the specifics. When you want something vague, you’ll receive something vague back. Take some time to understand what you’re actually looking for. You’re building a life for yourself — who wants to be a part of that?
Do you want something serious? Something casual? Are you willing to give someone a chance to prove themselves to you, or are you perfectly content with just staying casual with more than one person?
Think about what you need from your partner and what your non-negotiable qualities are. But also think about what you’re willing to walk away from.
Dating apps without the burnout
Dating apps are fantastic. But when they turn into a second job that you never signed up for, it’s easy to feel burned out.
You can absolutely use dating apps without letting them take over your life. Keep these tips in mind, and healthy app usage will be a breeze.
- Set a timer. Give yourself 20-30 minutes to look at messages and browse profiles. Staring at your phone all day will not help you find love — it’ll just make you feel cranky.
- Keep your profile updated. Upload a recent photo where you actually look like yourself, and write a bio that sounds like you. We promise people can tell if your bio was written in 2015 or if you copied the jokes straight from some meme. Be real about who you are and what you’re looking for.
- Don’t feel like you need to chat with everyone. Not every match is meant to be, and that’s totally okay. If you don’t feel a connection or don’t think you have anything in common with that person, don’t force it.
- Get off the app and talk in real life. Extended conversations on the app with no real plans to meet up is just weird. If someone wants to talk to you but doesn’t make any effort to get to know you IRL, that says volumes.
- Take breaks when you need them. Dating apps can overwhelm you sometimes, and that’s perfectly fine. Take a break for a week or two if you need to. Trust us, your phone will still be there when you get back.
setting the right tone early on
First impressions are important. But you don’t need to show up on a date pretending to be the version of you that you think will wow your date.
Showing up as your authentic self is one of the best ways to set the right tone. When you meet someone new, be you, flaws and all. Yes, you want to put your best foot forward. But you also don’t want to meet the love of your life only to keep them around by pretending to be someone else.
And when people ask what you’re looking for, actually tell them. They don’t need your life story, but if they ask the question, give them a straight answer. Most people are way more appreciative of your honesty than you realize.
Something else that’ll help you set the right tone? Notice how the other person makes you feel when you’re around them.
Learning how to navigate the dreaded “what are we?” talk
No one likes this conversation. But it doesn’t have to be the grim reaper of relationship talks.
You shouldn’t be having the “where are we going with this?” talk after one date. But if you’ve been hanging out for a few weeks and you’re feeling curious about the other person’s feelings, there’s no rule that says you can’t ask. Don’t make it super intense. Say something like “I’ve been having a great time getting to know you and was wondering if you feel the same way.”
You can absolutely tell them what you’re looking for and ask them where they stand. This isn’t an interrogation. If they like you, they’ll be willing to open up about their feelings in return.
Don’t waste your time if it’s not a mutual feeling.
If they tell you they want something casual and you’ve made it clear that you’re looking for something serious, thank them for their time and move on.
how to protect your energy (and not lose yourself) when dating
It’s easy to fall into the trap of dropping everything for someone as soon as they give you attention. Don’t do this.
One of the best ways you can protect your energy when dating someone is to maintain your life as you’ve been building it.
Continue to spend time with your friends. Continue to spend time doing things that you love to do. Don’t put your life on hold for someone new because you’re unsure of where this thing is going.
You’re not trying to play games with someone by withholding your entire life. You’re just a complete human being with a life outside of your romantic interests, and that’s awesome.
Of course, if someone truly intrigues you and you find yourself constantly thinking about them, that’s fine too. But if you have to drop your life for this person to be interested, that’s not a sign you want to propagate.
Building something worthwhile
Modern dating is about two people showing up as their best selves and being vulnerable enough with each other to see if something genuine can blossom.
Yes, it’s scary as hell. But playing it safe by never letting anyone get too close isn’t going to help you find that person either.
Date with intention and know what you’re looking for, but stay curious when you meet someone new. Don’t divulge your entire life story on date number two, but let them in enough to see if you click.
If things don’t work out, brush yourself off and keep swimming. Someone out there is wondering what you’re doing right now.
Conclusion
Dating is weird. Even when you do everything “right,” it’s not always going to work out.
But the people who tend to succeed in the world of modern dating are the ones who show up knowing what they want, who can communicate that honestly with others, and who don’t compromise who they are to try to make someone else happy.
Enter the dating world on your own terms. Keep your standards high and your ego in check. And remember that just because you’re dating doesn’t mean you have to settle. You’re dating to find the right person, not just another relationship.
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