Benjamin Otu EffiwattThere are certain kinds of lonely that reading this might evoke. If you’re staring at your dinner plates across from your spouse and feel sad, I see you. If you scroll past this article on your phone while sitting next to your partner on the couch and sigh, I hear you.
Loneliness inside of marriage can look like the sad feeling you get when you’re around your spouse all the time. It’s not the loneliness you feel when you’re away from your person — it’s the loneliness you feel while sitting right next to them on the couch, across from them at the kitchen table, cuddling with them at night.
If you’re in an unhappy marriage and wondering how the heck you can possibly “be happy” about anything, know that you’re not alone. I’m sitting right here with you.
Why Your Marriage Became Unhappy
One of the most helpful things you can do if you’re unhappy in your marriage is understand how your marriage became unhappy. It’s not to place blame. It’s simply to understand what you’re feeling.
Very few marriages end overnight. They fade away. Life gets busy. Two loving people fall into a pattern of not talking, arguing too much, or simply not nurturing their relationship like they used to.
Some of the most common issues that lead couples to become unhappy in their marriage are:
Growing apart
Built-up resentment
Frequent fighting
Emotional distance/disconnection
Feeling unseen/unheard
Major life stressors (money problems, parenting frustrations, grief)
One or both partners stopped trying (not because they’re cruel people, but because they were burnt out, numb, tired…)
There’s nothing you can do about the past. But understanding where you are can help you decide what you want moving forward. Knowing you’re unhappy in your marriage doesn’t mean you’ve decided to end it. It just means you know what season you’re in.
What Happiness Can Actually Look Like When Your Marriage Is Struggling
When someone says they want to “be happy in an unhappy marriage,” they often picture some huge shift where everything turns magical. But happiness in a hard season of marriage usually looks a lot smaller and quieter than that.
Happiness during a struggle in your relationship might look like enjoying moments of your day. It might look like feeling secure in your identity. It might look like filling your life with things (and people) that spark joy for you, even if your marriage doesn’t.
You don’t have to wait until your marriage is happy to allow yourself to feel happy moments. Let that sink in.
Tips For Finding Happiness Even In An Unhappy Marriage
Invest In Your Own Identity
Part of what tends to happen when you fall into an unhappy marriage is that your identity outside of your relationship can slowly start to disappear. You were someone’s girlfriend. You got married. Maybe you had kids. Maybe you became a caretaker for your family. Suddenly, you realize you gave so much of yourself to your roles that you forgot who you were beneath them all.
It’s time to remember.
Pick up that hobby you loved. Become friends with yourself again. Sign up for that class. Create some space each week to do things that have nothing to do with your spouse or your role in your home.
You are allowed to have hobbies, interests, and dreams that don’t include your partner. Your happiness outside of your relationship isn’t selfish — it’s vital. You can weather a tough season in life with your relationship so much better when you know who you are when you’re not simply a spouse.
Build + Protect Your Support System
An unhappy marriage can feel incredibly isolating, so it’s easy to understand why you may retreat from people when you’re in one.
I can’t stress this enough: You need people. You need people who love you outside of your marriage. Whether that’s one friend, your sister, a therapist, or a support group online, you need people who can see you and remind you of your value.
You don’t need to unload your entire relationship history to everyone you know. You just need one or two people you can be real with when you need to be.
Stop Waiting For Your Partner to Change Before You Allow Yourself to Feel Better
This is going to be hard. I know it. Part of what makes an unhappy marriage so draining is that we often let our happiness become completely contingent on our partner’s behavior.
We think, if they just apologized. If they would just treat me the way I know they want to. If they would just see what they’re doing…
If we let ourselves have happy moments, does that mean we’re ignoring the problem? What about the time we lost fighting? The years we spent hurting each other?
You can absolutely hold feelings about the state of your marriage and still allow happy moments to exist, too. They’re not mutually exclusive. Just because you take a walk and enjoy the sunshine doesn’t mean you’ve suddenly chosen to ignore everything else. Laughing at a joke doesn’t mean you’re okay with how your partner yelled yesterday.
You can allow yourself to feel good things without giving up on your ability to see change, too.
Communicate (Even If It’s “Badly”)
If there’s any part of you that wants to fight for your marriage, start communicating. And I mean really communicate, even if you’re terrible at it.
I have yet to meet a couple in an unhappy marriage that actually talks about how they feel anymore. They’ll text each other about the kids’ schedules, arguments will happen where both partners are yelling but neither is saying how they feel, etc.
Start having the hard conversations, poorly if you have to. “I feel like we fight so much and haven’t actually talked in a while. I want to change that.” Boom. You just created a space where real communication can happen.
Set Boundaries That Help You Stay Mentally Healthy
It’s okay to set boundaries with your spouse if they’re being hurtful or emotionally abusive. Your marriage doesn’t mean you don’t get a say in how you’re treated.
Don’t feel like you need to argue with your partner every time they start something hurtful. You can (and should) tell them you don’t appreciate that mode of communication.
If your spouse constantly gives you a hard time about leaving the dishes in the sink every night, tell them you won’t discuss cleanliness when you’re already irritated. Wake up an hour early to have some quiet time to yourself if your partner is monopolizing the bed with anxious energy every night.
Boundaries can help you maintain your sanity when your spouse is struggling.
Seek Professional Help (For You + Your Spouse)
There is no “learning how to be happy in your marriage” that doesn’t eventually involve both you and your partner talking to someone about what’s going on — whether that’s just you, your partner, or both of you together.
Individual therapy can be so powerful when you’re in a bad place in your relationship because it gives you space to process your own emotions, understand your own patterns, and figure out what you want and need without anyone else’s emotions involved.
If you and your partner are willing to both go to therapy, great. Couples counseling can help create a safe space for communication that you might have long forgotten.
If you don’t know where to start, many therapists offer free consultations, so even a couple of sessions to kick off your therapy journey can make a big difference.
Identify What You Want
I cannot recommend getting clear on what you want enough. If you want to improve your marriage, know what you need from your partner. If you want to leave your marriage, know why.
What are your non-negotiable dealbreakers? What are you willing to work on?
You’re allowed to want everything perfectly sorted out from your partner, and you’re also allowed to not give two craps about their growth as a human being. You’re allowed to want anything in between.
The point is, know what you want so you don’t find yourself floating through life and your marriage undecided and frustrated.
Closing Thoughts
Happiness in an unhappy marriage isn’t magically waking up tomorrow and thinking everything is going to be okay. It’s not ignoring big issues that need to be addressed.
True happiness when you’re struggling in your marriage is reminding yourself that this relationship does not define you, your worth, or the quality of your life. It’s allowing yourself to feel all the emotions you’re feeling without questioning their validity. You are allowed to want good things for yourself. You are allowed to enjoy your life today while you figure out what tomorrow looks like. You are allowed to change your mind.
Whatever happens with you and your spouse, know your worth first.
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