Benjamin Otu EffiwattOk so let’s keep it 100. If you’ve ever felt the need to over-explain yourself, downplay yourself, or audition for basic human decency from a man…I’M HERE FOR YOU GURL. Respect should never be something you have to chase after. But here we are. Lots of us running around in circles, doing more, saying less, and hoping he finally sees us.
Playing all these mind games with yourself and wondering why nothing changes can feel downright defeating. Here’s the thing…asking someone to respect you will never get you respect. It’s allowing yourself to show up any other way — that will.
This isn’t about being cold or playing games. This is about knowing what actual respect looks like in a relationship and showing up with THAT energy every time.
WHY ASKING FOR RESPECT NEVER WORKS
Asking someone to respect you essentially screams, “I DON’T FEEL RESPECTED…” Do you know what happens when you continue to explain yourself to someone who either isn’t listening or doesn’t care? You become the textbook on how to control you. Respect is something you teach someone by allowing them to choose you — not by continuing to plead, argue, and emotionally manipulate them into it.
Men that know better don’t need convincing. They either see you for the intelligent, capable woman that you are or they don’t. And if they don’t….explain yourself as much as you want. Beg. Fight. Have pity parties in your bedroom until you cry yourself to sleep. None of it will matter if he doesn’t value you. What will? Simply refusing to allow behavior that doesn’t feel good to you anymore…quietly, calmly, and confidently.
WHAT TRUE RESPECT LOOKS LIKE
If you haven’t got a clear idea of what you want, how the heck are you supposed to demand it? True respect in a relationship will show up day in and day out in little ways. It doesn’t come in the form of grand gestures (although those are nice too). It looks like him listening when you talk to him. It looks like him validating your feelings when they’re hurt, not telling you they’re “too much.” It looks like him following through on what he says he will do. And how he treats your time says a lot about how he respects you. Also, he’s honest with you, even when it’s uncomfortable. Because he respects the relationship enough to not play these silly games.
Ok. So if most of that is happening, great! If not… My friend, he doesn’t know how to respect you. Plain and simple. He knows exactly how not to offend your feelings while delivering ZERO effort on his end. Stop accepting poor treatment because you think he just needs guidance on how to be a better man.
SET YOUR STANDARDS EARLY ON, AND ENFORCE THEM.
Most of the foundation for how a relationship will be set in the first few weeks. If you let disrespectful behavior slide because you’re “waiting to see the real him,” you are communicating to him that this is acceptable treatment. Setting standards is not the same as giving someone an ultimatum. It’s simply setting clear boundaries on what you will and will not accept. When someone crosses that boundary, you let them know. Once. Firmly. And then you walk away if they continue to do it. Period.
DON’T OVER-EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
Do you ever notice how people seem to ask more questions when you give them a paragraph-long response? You do not need to give someone a synopsis of why you feel the way you feel in order for them to “understand.” “This behavior doesn’t work for me” leaves no room for debate. And YOU DON’T NEED HIS PERMISSION FOR YOUR STANDARDS TO BE VALID. The less you apologize for your own feelings, the more power your words hold.
YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO REALLY BE WILLING TO QUIT.
Let me say that again. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO REALLY BE WILLING TO QUIT.
Yep. I mean it. If you’ve ever made threats about no contact and scared him off but magically made a comeback because deep down you weren’t actually willing to walk….you perfected how to teach someone how far they can disrespect you without losing you. None of this means you should run at the first sign of trouble! What it means is that you actually have to be WILLING and READY to walk if he continues to disrespect your boundaries. That kind of energy does not go unnoticed.
DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN HIS BASKET.
The most grounded you’ll ever be while trying to earn someone’s respect is when you have a full life of your own. Meaning: her own friends, her own goals, career, and identity outside of being someone’s girlfriend. When a woman is put together on her own, you can see it in her posture.
She doesn’t text 24/7, she isn’t redoing her entire life to make him comfortable, and she’s damn sure not basing her self-worth on how much attention he gives her. There’s an independence about her that is SEXY and completely respectable.
STOP TAKING BREADCRUMBS AND THINKING IT’S ENOUGH.
If he gives you the cold shoulder one day and reels you back in with “I missed you,” or leaves you high and dry when he knows you’re going through something but shows up weeks later with cuddle emojis…you cheered him on every time you took a piece of whatever he was offering and said it was enough.
STOP EXPLAINING YOURSELF WHEN YOUR WORTH IS BEING QUESTIONED.
You are never going to win an argument when you feel the need to convince someone that you are worthy of respect. Period. Your value as a human being isn’t open for discussion. When you find yourself in a battle of who can scream the most into the phone about how much you’re NOT feeling respected, ask yourself: who the hell do I need to prove this to? More times than not, that person has already made it clear you have nothing to prove to them…by continuing to make you feel LESS than.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT SOUNDING DESPERATE.
“I need consistency in this relationship and I will not continue to give you my time if I don’t receive it.” vs. “Why don’t you ever care about me? Why am I never good enough for you?”
Easy.
One of these comes from a place of confidence. The other…doesn’t. He can tell when you’re speaking from a space of empowerment or fear. What you say and how you say it matters. Don’t ever forget that.
Final Thoughts
One last thing. Earn his respect. By respecting YOURSELF.
There is power in knowing your worth, dropping the nonsense, and showing up in every situation as the woman you actually are. The right standards will weed out everyone who was never meant to stay. And the ones who are? They won’t just meet your standards — they will thank you for never lowering them.
That’s not manipulation. That’s just self-respect.
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